If Rom-Coms Were Realistic
Romantic comedies might be the best/worst genre of movies ever invented. They have this certain way of pulling on our heartstrings and single-handedly converting us into hopeless romantics. The only downside is that rom-coms completely mind-fuck us with all their unrealistic expectations. Needless to say, we at Jerk are realists, so we rewrote the hell out of some of your favorite love movies as they would play out in real life.
50 First Dates (2004)
Henry Roth (Adam Sandler) is the ultimate fuckboy, residing in Hawaii he is prone to hooking up with tourists, completely escaping the grasp of commitment. Henry meets another Hawaiian native, Lucy Whitmore (Drew Barrymore) and decides to mack on her. He soon finds out that she has short-term memory loss from a terrible accident, he decides to bang her and wipe his hands clean, due to the fact that she can’t remember jack-shit.
The Proposal (2009)
Margaret Tate (Sandra Bullock) is a ruthless bitch and book editor who is faced with deportation back to her home country of Canada, ay. To dodge the bullet, she asks her assistant Andrew Paxton (Ryan Reynolds) to pretend they're engaged. Considering she treats him like a dog crap, Andrew tells her to suck his dick and drops the mic because he’s out!
Crazy Stupid Love (2011)
Cal Weaver (Steve Carell) has it all: wife, kids, and a good job. After he discovers his wife, Emily (Julianne Moore), has been cheating with some douche at work, they decide on throwing in the towel. In conclusion, Emily shacks up with her new boi, while Cal sits in his empty apartment filled with frozen TV dinners and VO5 shampoo.
Friends With Benefits (2011)
Jamie Rellis (Mila Kunis) and Dylan (Justin Timberlake) are two successful, career orientated New Yorkers. Hitting it off as friends, they decide to have casual sex with no feelings attached. Jamie slowly starts to develop feelings for Dylan because women are loving creatures, while Dylan is still game for only sex. Needless to say, she ends up pouring her heart out to him and in return gets deaded because he just wanted some pussy.
Amy (Amy Schumer) is a magazine writer who exiles the social construct of monogamy. When interviewing sports doctor Aaron Conners (Bill Hader) the two hit it off. A night out and many drinks later, Aaron realizes that she is a drunk, whoring bitch and decides to ghost her. No chip off her shoulder, though, considering Amy is a boss ass bitch that doesn’t need a man.