Lies Porn Has Told Us

By: Pocahotass

Though vulgar, exaggerated, and sometimes unrealistic, porn has served as an example of sex for our generation. In our teenage years, we envisioned ourselves losing our virginity to the big-boob blonde from next door, or the Brad Pitt circa Fight Club pool boy. Regardless, we’ve used porn as a glimpse into our real sex lives. To the virgins or avid porn believers, I am sorry to kill your dreams, but real-life sex doesn’t actually consist of Pamela Anderson or men who are trophy holders for the biggest dick. Most of the time, it’s bratty girls who don’t go past a 34B, or drunken frat boys who can’t get it up after “chugging” four Nattys. Lucky for you, Jerk Web and your beloved Pocahotass are here to call out some of the lies porn has told so you won’t be disappointed during your next Lawrinson dorm rendezvous.

First off, porn lies about dick size. In almost every porno, whenever the guy pulls down his briefs, it’s as if he’s drawing out his sword before battle. Well, after three years on campus, I can assure you there are no knights with 12 inches of shining armor—it’s a cruel, cruel world out there.

Another lie porn falsely portrays is that all women are squirters. Speaking from a woman’s standpoint, if you can squirt, you are a god. There is nothing harder than getting up that motivation to squirt. It’s like trying to beat Flappy Bird with your eyes closed—yeah, that hard. I can assure you, even Ryan Gosling and Kate Upton don’t get us that hot—and they’re pretty fucking hot.

The last lie porn tells tempts even me to mute my computer; it’s the unnecessary amount of death-scream moaning. Sorry to break it to you, but not all people get so turned on that they end up sounding like a possessed doll. This isn’t The Exorcist. The only thing that will turn our heads all the way around is the sweet sound of natural and normal moaning.

Although porn has the benefit of being our friend when our imagination or 3AM booty call isn’t doing the job, it seems that we cannot rely on porn as a trusty navigator through the real world of sex. Not all girls have implants, not all guys are freakishly endowed, and it is never appropriate for someone to scream and moan at the same time. If you still don’t believe me, ditch the sock and pick up a mate—you’d be surprised by how much porn lies.