Mind Your Manners

By Lauryn Botterman

Sadly, it’s time for a refresher course in basic etiquette. Don’t ever get caught breaking one of these rules. Classy is the way to go.

Hold the Door

I’m walking two paces behind you and you don’t have the courtesy to hold the door open for three seconds?! They say chivalry is dead but we need to bring it back for an encore. Look, doors are heavy. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone go out of his or her way to say “let me get that for you.” It requires minimal effort but is a highly appreciated gesture.

Please and Thank You

Newsflash: those magic words you learned when you were two years old—

“please” and “thank you”—they never went out of style. Some people need to incorporate them into their vocabulary more often. When someone does you a favor, it’s generally expected that you express your gratitude so as not to be perceived as a cold-hearted, ungrateful bitch.

Gum Chomping

Sitting in close proximity to someone who is obnoxiously smacking his or her gum is a cruel and unusual sort of torture. Unless you are a cow, you can learn to control your chewing habits. I would advocate a switch to breath mints, but if you absolutely need a wad of Juicy Fruit to tide you through a two-hour lecture, keep that shit silent and bubble-free.

Cover Your Mouth

I thought that covering your mouth and nose when sneezing or coughing was a standard form of etiquette, yet I still witness grown adults blatantly projecting their germs and snot rockets into the open air without any attempt at forming a sanitary barrier. It’s repulsive! If you have a cold, please utilize tissues at all times; otherwise, the nook of your elbow is preferred so that we don’t all catch diseases from your high-fives.

Shut Up!

Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t haul my ass to the library to listen to your half-hour phone conversation with your BFF from home. When I’m trying to study for my stats exam, I give precisely zero fucks about how you spent your weekend. Honestly, the conversations that transpire at excessively loud volumes in the middle of the library make me second-guess whether our generation has any concept of dignity or respect. Whispering is always preferred. Or you could always take the easy road and, you know, just shut the fuck up.

Sleeping in Public

We’ve all had our share of rough mornings, but whether you spent the night writing papers or raging, you should at least attempt to pull yourself together until you can nap in the privacy of your own bedroom. It’s one thing to subtly steal a moment of shut-eye while waiting for class to start, it is quite another to pass out on a random armchair in a public building, snoring and drooling in the fetal position. Don’t think putting your jacket over your head makes you any less obvious; we can still you sprawled out like an overgrown infant. Grab some coffee or a Red Bull and fight the urge to fall asleep.