New York Rules

A Rebuttal.

By Kevin Eggleston

illustration of snowy house by Jake Colquhoun

Screw the economists, look outside! No, really, look at the nature that surrounds you! Watch the mountains of snow in your driveway sparkle like fairy-dust. Walk outside and expose yourself to the bitter cold and feel alive. Listen to the silence of the shut down factory down the street, and revel in the diminished pollution! Breathe in, and out, and smile: you live in New York State. What a wonderful world.

I’ve always loved New York, even before the ad campaign existed. Hell, I inspired the ad campaign. We have all four seasons, complete with autumn apple- picking opportunities and splendid colors, winter wonderlands and snow days, spring flowers and summer storms. Not many earthlings get to experience the rapturous thunder of all four seasons, but we New Yorkers do. Feel blessed. We’re America’s chosen people.

Oh, and the rolling hills! The Adirondack Mountains! All New Yorkers know that if you swim in an Adirondack lake, you won’t have to deal with seaweed or animal life, because acid rain killed it all. New York’s the only place where Mother Nature basically chlorinates your lakes for you. Not even Louisiana (supposedly the “happiest state”) gets pampered like that.

Skyscrapers, waterfalls, sleepy, small towns — Sleepy Hollow! Ithaca! Watertown! Eh, maybe not Watertown — New York is the Garden of Eden. Or it is for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be going downtown to the wonderful market of pills and powders that make this rose-colored perspective possible. Excelsior! Higher and higher! I love New York.