New York Sucks

snowman illustration by Jake Colquhoun

By Erin Corbett

Ah, New York, the Empire State. The home of Lindsay Lohan, David Paterson, the Yankees…and the Son of Sam. It’s no wonder that economists Andrew J. Oswald and Stephen Wu found that New Yorkers are the saddest people in America.

Let’s start with geography. If you don't live in “the city,” then congratulations; by American dictionary standards, you live in “upstate New York.” That's right: Binghamton and Plattsburgh are in the same category, thanks to obnoxious NYC. The Upper East Side and Greenwich Village are distinguished, but upstate New York is all-encompassing. Fuck you too, NYC.

Secondly, unlike a cool state like Florida that shares the same ocean as the Bahamas, or California that shares a border with Mexico, New York doesn’t share anything. Oh wait, it does — the northern border with Canada, a country so vastly unpopular that it doesn’t even label its land beyond “territories.” If Canada was planet, it would be Pluto, which isn't even a planet. And our state is conjoined to it, like a Siamese twin with a second shriveled head. Lucky us.

New York is simply a mess of lameness. The state’s highest peak is Mount Marcy, which you have probably climbed. Congrats, you can also probably count to 10, thanks to our awesome New York State Regents exams. Our state drink is milk, which is why it smells like manure 80 percent of the time. Our state animal is the beaver, probably because we’re governed by dicks.

Hell, this state is so depressing that residents frequently travel to our least-lame natural wonder, Niagara Falls, and throw themselves to their deaths. Fuck it, I’m moving to Jersey.

illustration by Jake Colquhoun