No, we didn’t break up – we’re just on a break.
Put on your big girl (or boy) pants and RELAX.
“I want to go on a break,” He told her.
When my best friend told me about her boyfriend’s recent request, the first thing I did was try to muster up the best lines from every romantic comedy gone sour that I had ever seen. Before I could begin, I stopped myself and threw caution out the window. Fuck it; I was going to tell her the truth. Breakup. Separating that into two parts, what’s the first part? Break. That’s right, the break comes right before the “up.” This is usually the last attempt your partner is taking their sweet time to fix things before he or she hits the road.
Now before you make a Ben & Jerry’s run, wipe off those mascara stains and pull up a chair – I’m not done. There is still hope.
First things first, when the idea of a break is entertained, listen! Listen to what he or she is saying and try and understand the reasons behind it. This obviously was not the first sign your relationship was heading south, and if you want to salvage it, pay attention – that way you won’t spend four hours on the phone with your best friend analyzing what every word could have, perhaps, maybe meant in some wacky, alternative universe. Think about what he or she is saying and decide if this is something you can both work on together to fix or if hell will freeze over before that happens.
Second, breaks usually come with rules, one of them being minimal or zero communication. Now don’t freak out that the unlimited texting you just added to your plan is now being put to waste – use this to your advantage! You want him to realize what he’s missing? Turn your phone on silent and get busy. No guy is going to want to come back into the arms of a desperate neurotic psycho chick! Give it to him, and hard. If he’s smart he’ll change his tune, and if not – well hopefully, this is just the beginning of a small series of events that will lead him to contract herpes.
And please, for the love of Ray J, while this is going on, don’t fill my news feed with sappy depressing lyrics from Taylor Swift. Dear John? I don’t think so. Instead, remember this advice I gave to my BFF: You’re supposed to be having the time of your life, and as far as Facebook is concerned, that’s every god damn day. If not, post the recipe for the great new tequila concoction you discovered to mask your sorrows. Buenos dias Jose Curevo! And just because we’re Facebook friends, doesn’t mean I purchased a front row seat to witness your status go from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated” to “in an open relationship” … You get the picture. Figure everything out before you start alerting the entire god damn world.
Now, sometimes there are happy endings, and sometimes there are not so happy endings. I’m not Nostradamus – I can’t predict the future (I barely have time to check my horoscope). Just be prepared. You might have to find yourself a new starting quarterback for your love life, just not Ben Roethlisberger, he’s mine.