How to: Survive Public Transportation without Really Trying
BY: Aubrey Schopinsky
Whether you’re trying to focus on breathing normally so people don’t think you’re an out of shape fat ass on the mount stairs, walking by the religious whack jobs on your way to Marshall Street, or hiking it across campus to Ernie for some semi-edible food, you start to notice how big our campus is. In a way, we’re our own community; most everything we need is accessible to us via walking. However, as we continue to live on campus, the need for the real world becomes more of a necessity than anything else, and we find ourselves going crazy over children, ecstatic over rare car rides, and crying tears of joy over the incomparable Wegmans and Target. However, in order to satisfy the needs of the normal, it becomes necessary to take public transportation. Whether you’re partying, going out to eat, or shopping, it’s important to remember the do’s and dont’s of transportation etiquette.
1. Don’t take a cab half a mile down the road. Chances are, there’s a group of people that are far less lazy than you who need a ride to a destination much farther than our own backyard.
2. When driving, the goal is to not run over pedestrians—you all have been playing too much Grand Theft Auto, and you make everyone nervous.
3. When riding the bus to south, remember that it is not the hunger games—the odds are not in your favor, and chances are if you are frantically pushing to get on the bus, people will go ape-shit on you and you’ll land, ass first, on the curb.
4. When riding a bus during the day, sit down, be quiet, and be prepared for over crowding. If you have claustrophobia, bring a paper bag.
5. DPS: usually the enemy, but sometimes your friend. Not too fond of walking alone at night? Prefer not to get mugged or assaulted? Call DPS. However, don’t be fooled when they say they only have walkers to assist you. I was told that, and was picked up in a van by an officer who asked me if I partied like a rock star.
6. Remember, if you’re riding a bike, watch out for pedestrians: you can run them over. Stop signs still apply to you.
7. If you are walking on campus, be mindful of the fact that cars don’t stop for you, and neither do buses. I’ve seen a bus driver calmly texting while driving. No explanation necessary for that terrifying experience.
In conclusion, whether you’re taking the bus, wedged between a sumo wrestler and the world’s record holder for the worst B.O., getting real friendly with the seven of you wedged in a cab, praying for survival while crossing the street, or freezing your ass off on your bike, remember just how many of us go to school here, and take into account the importance of transportation etiquette.