Sex Advice From Carli Cooper
By Carli Cooper
Dear Carli,
It's not easy for me to admit this, but I'm in a slump with the ladies. As a single guy on campus, I'm wondering what alternatives (of the toy variety) are out there.
Dear Hands Solo,
It takes a real man to admit defeat. Luckily, the lady-less like you developed a few tools to make nights less lonely. Here are some suggestions to pleasure yourself—and occupy your time while you wait for a girl to actually come home with you.
If you're looking for a hand, try the newest innovation in hand-held vaginas: the Fleshlight. Molded after the cooters of actual porn stars, these pink rubbery gadgets are as lifelike as it gets. Washable, durable, and most importantly, reusable, Fleshlights come in a variety of models and makes, like "Speed Bump" and "Original Lady." Just make sure your roommate doesn't confuse it with your flashlight.
An old standby, the blow-up doll works magic because of its gag gift reputation. Thanks to movies like Old School, you can stand a "Blow-Up Babe" in the corner at a party and blame it on "that joker from high school." These inflatable bimbos are generally cheap and recyclable, but the low-grade plastic will likely result in chafing.
Just be careful; the line, "It's not herpes, it's just an allergic reaction to my pocket vagina" isn't exactly a charmer.
Dear Carli,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months now, and our sex life is already a little stale. I want to spice it up, but I don't want to scare him away. What's the line between sexy and flat-out raunchy?
Dear Super-Freak,
Too often, women think that getting their freaky-deaky on is un-ladylike. But with the right mix of sex appeal and surprise, you can easily take your man from a yawn to a gasp in a matter of seconds. Be careful though. There's a fine line between vixen and vamp.
When separating kinky from porn star-bawdy, it's not about what you do, but how you do it. Rather than simply purchasing some strappy leather get-up, introduce a trick you've never used before while in costume. Keep the terrain fairly neutral: the element of surprise is way sexier than handcuffs and whips. Likewise, a striptease needn't involve nipple tassels and feathery fans. Instead, slip on your favorite lacey bra and his white button down before giving him a night he'll always remember. A balance of unpredictability and confidence can work wonders on your sex life.
Communication is key in all aspects of a relationship. If you're nervous, talk about it before trying something crazy or outlandish. Don't be afraid to open the floor to some fun suggestions; you might learn a lot about your partner.
Send your sexual conundrums to
sex@jerkmagazine.net