Sex Lowdown

The lowdown on the get down with Sandy Johnson

It’s freezing outside and it’s expensive to heat my apartment, so I basically live in a fridge. My girlfriend is usually pretty frisky, but now she just lies on the bed shivering. I try to compensate with fluffy blankets and my own body heat, but it’s just not working. How can I light the fire, so to speak, without burning a hole in my already emaciated wallet?

I’ve got one word for you: furries. Furries get off by boning each other between thick layers of foam and felt. They dress up as their — or their partner’s — favorite fuzzy friend. Think Sesame Street after a wicked bender and a few Viagra. It’ll be a scintillating new experience, and if you go ahead and make the costumes yourself, your wallet and your girl will be touched by your thoughtfulness. Plus, after a few minutes of working it as pink poodles or huge black squirrels, you’ll forget you were once frigid and flaccid.

Of course, some weirdos prefer banging people rather than Muppets or mascots. If you subscribe to this school of thought, then consider investing in an electric blanket. I know, I know — your grandmother swears by them, so they’re the farthest thing from sexy. But if you buy a new one, I promise it won’t smell like a nursing home. You could also drag an oil drum up to your room, light some old homework on fire, and get down ’n dirty hobo-style. There are plenty of options; you just have to want it bad enough to figure them out.

My boyfriend and I are super-comfortable with each other and are not afraid to get crazy in bed. But I was blown away when he mentioned that he wants to try anal — that is, he wants me to do him in the butt. He’s even already bought a strap-on for me to use. Is this just too weird? Could it even mean he’s gay?

As a famous viral video and later South Park episode once said: “What, what, in the butt. You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? Let’s do it in the butt, OK!”

First of all, I don’t think your boyfriend is gay. But I do think he’s a freak…in the sheets. He went out of his way to go to the adult store, chat with a salesperson about strap-on dildos, and buy said strap-on. So it’s pretty clear that he really wants you to put this purchase in his pooper.

So, you have two options here. You can either wear the contraption, lube up, and bone him (hey, you might like it), or decline the offer to fill his ass with plastic dildo goodness. The choice is yours, Grasshopper, but if the idea makes you anxious, then just say so. Your boyfriend was comfortable enough to ask, so you should be comfortable enough to decline, especially armed with the knowledge that he’d have a hard time finding that kind of action on the side. Yet my seventh sense (the sexual one) feels that you might want to do it. I smell curiosity in the air. If so, go ahead and stick it in.