The F*** Buddy Ten Commandments
Once upon a time it used to be easy to find someone who could provide the perfect arrangement of a tolerable, entertaining friend with the ability to satisfy your every sexual beck and call, while avoiding all relationship-esque, clingy bullshit. The fuck buddy was the soul mate of the commitment phobe and the most rewarding contact you wish you could say was in your phone. But, alas, to even imagine such a convenient being is simply wishful thinking nowadays, right? Wrong.
Fuck buddies are as real as herpes and if you’re looking in the right places and making the right moves, you could have one crawling in between your legs in no time. Here are the Ten Commandments of Gaining and Retaining a Fuck Buddy:
- I. Thou Shalt Not Seek Out A Fuck Buddy
In most cases, these special sex deviants come out to play when you least expect them and, typically, around the time you might be down on yourself. Recently single? Failing out of school? Just like the sun, the penis always rises again.
- II. Thou Shalt Be Uninhibited
Hello? This isn’t your girlfriend with the small boobs who can only tolerate penetration from two angles. This is your fuck buddy who is using you for the same reason he or she is being used: crazy effing sex. Welcome to the hot bed of no judgments.
- III. Thou Shalt Not Cling
Remember when you used to go out and your super clingy, then-significant-other-who-you-were-pretty-sure-was-actually-gay would constantly call and text you to find out what you were doing? Yeah, your potential once-in-a-lifetime-more-than-one-night-stand will remember when you do it, too.
- IV. Thou Shalt Have Full Understanding of Situation
You’re fuck buddies. You’re not friends.
- V. Thou Shalt Not Confide in Co-Fornicator
There is no easier way to make a bang buddy run real fast than to confide in them about emotional and sentimental topics. Family, exes, your opinion of the death penalty? No one wants to watch you wipe your tears with sex-stained sheets.
- VI. Thou Shalt Not Get Jealous
Instead of getting mad your booty call is banging some other blonde, respect the hell out of their dedication to practice.
- VII. Thou Shalt Stay in the Bedroom
Or bathroom or office or wherever you’ve chosen as your place of pleasure. Basically, fuck buddies don’t go on dates. You don’t get to sit with him or her at a nice dinner over candlelight. However, I’ve heard hot candle wax can really heat things up in between the sheets.
- VIII. Thou Shalt Never Ride Bareback
The reason fuck buddies are so good in bed is because they’ve spent a lot of time in bed…with other people. Even if it’s a quickie, wrap it up before things get sticky.
- IX. Thou Shalt Mingle Separately
An ideal fuck buddy agreement consists of few or no mutual friends. Middlemen and outside opinions, especially from those close to you, can just complicate things and, let’s be honest, your last couple of relationships were complicated enough.
- X. Thou Shalt Never Settle for One
Holding back from hooking up with other hotties at frat parties because you have your fuck buddy on speed dial by now? The whole point is to be free of any and all commitments or attachments! Go out there and get it while it’s hot and horny. If your solely-for-sex partner is really top-notch, they’ll pat, er, slap you on the ass for a job well done.