The Leftovers: These Republican Candidates Are Still in The Running

Taken from Jeb Bush suspended his campaign about a week ago (and no, we're still not over it). While deep down we knew the third Bush would never get the nomination, it was still painful to see him leave the race. Now that Jeb is gone, what are our right-wing options?

Here are our lovely leftovers from the Republican party.

Donald Trump

Current Occupation: Businessman and real estate developer. In other words, he has no political experience.

Age: 69

Religion: Presbyterian—although the Pope seems to think otherwise.

Number of Primaries Won: 3 (New Hampshire, North Carolina and Nevada)

Likelihood of Getting the Nomination: Frighteningly high

Positions on Hot Topics:

  • Immigration: Everyone knows Trump wants to build a 10-foot wall along the Mexican border—that Mexico will pay for—and deport 11 million undocumented immigrants from the country.
  • Foreign Threats: Trump’s brilliant plan to defeat ISIS: “bomb the shit out of them.” Does it sound good and get America riled up? Of course. Is it a realistic, well-thought-out plan? Nope.
  • Economics: Reduce the number of tax brackets from 7 to 4 and lower tax rates for all Americans, including the middle-class, and businesses. To pay for this plan, Trump intends to significantly cut government spending, among other things.

Ted Cruz

Current Occupation: Senator from Texas

Age: 45

Religion: Southern Baptist (Jesus turned his alcoholic, absentee father around, who is now a pastor)

Number of Primaries Won: 1 (Iowa)

Likelihood of Getting the Nomination: Pretty solid

Positions on Hot Topics:

  • Immigration: Cruz plans to block any legislation that allows undocumented immigrants to legally remain in the U.S. He has also expressed a desire to deport all 11 million immigrants from the country and build a wall. He even has the perfect man in mind to help (Hint: it’s Trump).
  • Foreign Threats: Cruz poses another simple solution to ISIS: air strikes and carpet-bombing. For those of you who don't know (and don't worry if you don’t. It seems Cruz doesn't even know what it means), carpet-bombing, also known as saturation-bombing, is large-scale, indiscriminate aerial bombing that completely destroys a section of land.
  • Economics: Create a “simple flat tax,” meaning there will be one, 10-percent tax rate for all incomes over $36,000 a year (a standard family of four). There will also be a “business flat tax” of 16-percent.

Marco Rubio (aka MarcoBot)

Current Occupation: Senator form Florida

Age: 44

Religion: Roman Catholic

Number of Primaries Won: 0

Likelihood of Getting the Nomination: Also pretty good (probably a toss up between him and Cruz if Trump gets bypassed)

Positions on Hot Topics:

  • Immigration: Rubio has proposed a three-step plan to deal will illegal immigration. First, all undocumented immigrants must come forward to be registered. Second, those who have a clean record and have lived in the U.S. long enough will be allowed to apply for a temporary nonimmigrant visa, aka a work permit. This requires paying an application fee, a fine and paying taxes while working in the U.S. Third, these immigrants cannot apply for permanent residency—which can take years in itself—until a decade has passed.
  • Foreign Threats: Defeat ISIS by building a multinational coalition of countries willing to send troops into Iraq and Syria, expanding airstrikes, and training Syrian rebels to fight Assad and ISIS (even though it’s probably not the best time to oust the “president” and destabilize the region even more). Regardless, this is probably the most rational plan so far.
  • Economics: Cut taxes and reduce the number of brackets to 3. Rubio also wants to create a flat business tax of 25-percent.

John Kasich

Current Occupation: Second-time governor of Ohio (He also served in Congress from 1983 until 2001 as a representative, meaning he’s a bit more experienced than everyone else)

Age: 63

Religion: Anglican

Likelihood of Getting the Nomination: Sadly, low. He is most likely going to follow is Jeb’s footsteps.

Positions on Hot Topics:

  • Immigration: Kasich has been pretty clear on immigration; “The idea that we are going to ship 11 million people out of this country and go into neighborhoods and round them up is simply not practical…if they haven’t violated the law, they have a path to legalization”—legalization, not citizenship. These immigrants will also have to pay a fine, and possibly a back tax, or complete community service.
  • Foreign Threats: Kasich’s plan to defeat ISIS includes building a coalition with our European and Middle Eastern allies, and placing troops on the ground. He believes “bombings are not enough” (crazy concept, huh). Kasich also wants to arm and train moderates in the region so they can defend their homes, and create no-fly zones so refugees can find shelter within their country.
  • Economics: Lower taxes to create jobs without completely overhauling the current tax system. To pay for these tax cuts, Kasich, like Trump, plans to limit government spending, except on the military.

Ben Carson

Current Occupation: Former brain surgeon. How does this make Carson a viable presidential candidate? “Because brain surgery is extremely complex.”

Age: 64

Religion: Seventh-Day Adventist. According to Pew, Carson is considered the most religious candidate.

Likelihood of Getting the Nomination: Absolutely none. I shouldn't have even bothered to include him.

Positions on Hot Topics:

  • Immigration: Undocumented immigrants can apply to be a guest worker, but only if they leave the country first and prove that they have a job waiting for them back in the U.S. Carson also wants to impose harsher penalties on employers breaking immigration laws.
  • Foreign Threats: Carson’s plan to defeat Islamic extremism mirrors the U.S.’s approach to combating communism during the Cold War (oh the irony).
  • Economics: Carson, like Cruz, aims to establish a flat tax. I could go into more depth, but there really isn't any point.

So there you have it—the remnants of the Republican Party. Best of luck choosing the lesser evil. We're just as confused as you are.