The Low Down on the Get Down

I’m just going to be straight to the point. I’m dying to try a sex machine. I don’t believe in needing a man to get me off, and I’m pretty much over vibrators. Dignity wise, I’m fine with it, but money is a problem. I’ve checked out dirty mechanisms online and they are ridiculously expensive. Are there any cost-effective sex machines out there?

Let’s back up a bit. Ladies and bottoms, those of you that haven’t experienced the best self-pleasure system there is, a sex machine is essentially a mechanical dick that bangs you on its own. It typically resembles a vibrator with a giant arm, so all you have to do is sit there until you come. Masturbation without the effort — it doesn’t get any better. Some of the greatest sex machines of our time were actually homemade. But, unless you’re an engineering kid, you’re probably going to have to fork over the dough. Luckily, a thorough search on the Web will find you plenty of alternatives to the full-size machine. Whereas the real shabam can set you back anywhere from 500 bucks to a couple grand (for example, the “Xtreme Plow”), other options are more recession friendly. The “Love Seat” looks similar to a massaging chair-throw, and costs under $100. I’d say the best machine on the cheap end is the “Drilldo.” I think you can figure out how that one works on your own.

I’ve been dating the same guy for about two years and the topic of making a sex tape continues to resurface. We’re both into voyeurism, so it’s not like he’d be taking advantage of me. But I also don’t want to be the next McSteamy scandal at Syracuse. What can I do to protect myself?

Sex tapes are one of life’s little pleasures. Seeing yourself get pounded is as close as most of us will ever get to having our fifteen minutes of fame. But it’s fantasy.

The safest bet is not to make one at all… but that’s no fun! Instead, make sure you have complete control of the tape. No matter how much you trust your boyfriend now, things can change. No one thinks their partner will leave them, although I have a theory that Jennifer Aniston totally planned for Brad Pitt to cheat on her just so she could secure her position as the go-to lonely girl for all feature films. But that’s a different story. The truth is, the only way you can know the tape won’t ever end up in your boss’ inbox is if you are the sole owner. Keep it old school — film your work on a good old fashioned VHS, buy a treasure chest, and lock that shit under your bed.