The Side Hoe Speaks

3.SideHoeSpeaksPhoto by Adham Elsharkawi

PSA: It is highly suggested that you listen to Whitney Houston’s “Saving All My Love for You” while reading this.

Committed relationships aren’t anything without a little lovin’ on the side. Some of America’s most respected politicians, actors/actresses, and social climbers have been caught guilty for having a “side-piece.” Do we hold it against them? Not really. John F(ucking) Kennedy’s sidepiece was Marilyn Monroe for heavens sake. Yeah Jackie O was a trendsetter, but Marilyn Monroe was a babe. That being said, not all sidepieces know they’re a sidepiece and therefore they should not all be condemned.

Figuring out that you might just be a little fun on the side can be shitty if you catch feelings or if you're decent human being. If you’re unsure of whether or not you are in fact a side hoe, consider the following.

  1. Does your main form of communication consist of texts at 2am asking, “u up?” This can mean one of two things: either your partner is booty-calling you or they’re booty-calling you and you’re a sidepiece.
  2. Have you ever hung out while the sun is still up? You’re probably a sidepiece.
  3. Have you ever hung out and not hooked up? Have you had a normal conversation and talked about what music you’re into, what your favorite cereal is, if you’re a cat or a dog person? (PS: talking about the weather doesn’t count. The conversation will always sounds something like, “yeah lots of snow, am I right," and if you haven’t moved passed talking about the weather, you’re most likely a sidepiece).
  4. Have you met their friends? Have you met their significant other? No? Congrats, you're the side hoe.

Now, here's how to deal with your newfound identity (crisis).

If the answers to the questions above led you to a realization that your regular hookup is actually seeing someone else… in the light of day nonetheless, there is a way to cope.

If you know you’re just some sidepiece and you’re cool with it, kudos to you. Just know that sometimes the hook up isn’t worth and that it can end up being a little dangerous to be the other man or woman. It almost never works out squeaky clean. Someone is bound to get hurt. Whether it ends up being you, the person being cheated on, or the cheater… it's not a good look for anyone involved.

If you’re not cool just being some side action, that is completely okay too. Actually, that is a very reasonable reaction. You deserve to be more than someone's sexual back up plan. Take your pride and your worldly sex skills somewhere else. And while you're at it, confront that cheating motherfucker. Be clear and concise when delivering your message, and make sure it stings. A simple “what the fuck” is a great way to start the conversation.

Oh, and make sure to stand with your convictions… you’re not someone’s backup plan or sexual fantasy (unless their fantasy involves getting punched in the face).