The Week of 4/15-4/20
- Party like a rockstar: Normally-reserved Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took to the Colombian nightclub scene while on official State business this week. Madame Secretary was seen downing several beers and dancing with her arms in the air. Fuck the haters and maybe ask her about it at her guest lecture Monday.
- This week marks the annual Coachella music festival, where a hologram of Tupac appeared on stage with Snoop and Dr. Dre. “Imma let you finish Tupac, but Princess Leia is the best hologram of all time…”
- In health news: a rising surge in the number of chin implant surgeries has surpassed those of breast enlargement over the last 18 months. Because, you know, a chin really turns us on…
- Former That 70’s Show castmates Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have officially announced that they are dating. Pretty rad, dude.
- Something smells fishy: The FDA announced the recall of over 58,825 lbs. of sashimi-grade tuna after 100 people came down with salmonella.
- Over 20 Secret Service officials have been implicated for grave misconduct during the President’s recent trip to Colombia. Apparently Hillary wasn’t the only one dropping it like it was hot…
- In feel-good news this week: an East Texas boy started a lemonade stand to raise money for his father’s caner treatment. The savvy businessman effectively raised over $10,000 to cover the family’s medical expenses.
- Speaking of heart-warming optimism: a recent study revealed that a positive outlook on life could help protect against heart disease. Don’t worry, be happy!
- The nation mourns a media icon this week: SU alum Dick Clark passed away at the age of 82. New Year’s Eve will never be quite as rockin’.
- Hot for teacher: a Southern California teacher was fired after it was discovered that she had appeared in several porn films.
- Songstress Adele led the Billboard Music Award Nominations. The British singer garnered 18 nominations for her mega-hit album, 21.
- In weird news around the world: A New Zealand mother died from drinking nearly 2 gallons of Coca-Cola each day.