Things that seem so right, but play out so wrong


hickey BY: Meg Martini

Silly boys, don’t you know that women always know best? Men have been hung up on doing things that in theory seem hot, but in bed they are definitely not. Here are a few things that boys are getting wrong in the turn-on department:

Hickeys—Okay boys, we get it: being territorial and possessive is a turn on for you. But newsflash: we aren’t Neanderthals anymore and it’s unnecessary to “brand” or “tag” the ladies in your life with a juvenile hickey. Ah, the hickey. It brings back fond memories of wearing turtlenecks and pressing cold spoons against your neck (which doesn’t actually work, FYI) but it’s also reminiscent of high school. Personally, my neck is an Achilles heel and I fucking love neck kisses but you don’t need to try and suck my blood to turn me on.

Spanking—Speaking of ass slapping, men seem to have this notion that hitting a woman’s derriere is unbelievably sexy. Some girls may be into it, but it certainly has no place in a one-night stand. Getting a little rough in bed can be fun but when it goes from a playful tap to a disciplining whack, that’s when girls think that you should start doing less. This is yet another example of a man taking the authoritative and dominant role too far.

Talking dirty—Very few men have mastered the art of talking dirty, yet almost all seem to think that they are capable of whispering sweet nothings like a pro. Unfortunately, modern day men are not Shakespeare-slick and typically fail miserably when trying to turn women on using their mouths (for speaking, that is). The main issue is that boys lack the attention span to think through raunchy remarks, especially when they’re in the middle of sex. Also, the line between “dirty” and “creepy” is thin and often crossed. Just because a girl is a self-proclaimed “daddy’s girl” doesn’t mean she wants to ever hear you make a “who’s your daddy” reference in bed. Flatter us by commenting on our beauty or skills in the sack.

Sending nudies—Four words: full-frontal dick pics. Cue shudder. When I think about the sexiest parts of a man’s body, I usually think of his back muscles or his abs or his v-line. Never does my mind wander to his nether regions. The truth is, penises aren’t aesthetically pleasing whatsoever. Unfortunately, men love flaunting their manhood. They’re proud of their endowments and want to show off while simultaneously seeking approval on their respective packages. Some men probably genuinely think that women LOVE receiving dick pics and assume that they are doing the ladies a favor. However, nobody likes being caught off guard, especially when unsolicited JV pornography is involved. Just do us a favor and send some flirty emojis like the rest of the world.