How To Thrive At A Cold Weather Darty
College is the one time in our lives when consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and going out more times a week than not is considered to be a “healthy” social lifestyle. Four years can go by faster than it takes for a boy to turn into a douchebag after getting a bid to a frat, so why limit partying to nighttime? Although we may see the sun rarely here in Syracuse, that doesn’t stop us from braving through blizzards to get drunk and standing in large empty parking lots. So what if your day ends in frostbite? All that matters at that point is that you had fun and got a good Instagram. Besides, you still have nine perfectly functioning other fingers to work with.
One of the main questions all Cuse dartiers are very familiar with, aside from asking each other “Canada Goose or Moncler?” is from outsiders asking us HOW we do it. Kids from UF, Tulane, Texas, etc. are still convinced we have some type of superhuman ability, while they barely make it out of their apartment when it drops below 50 degrees.
But in all honesty, it’s unfairto let our friends at warm schools have all the fun. The next time someone says, “Ugh, wow, I just don’t know how you do it,” here’s how to answer. You could even send them the link to this article if you want, I wouldn’t be mad about it.
- Maintaining BAC Levels
First of all, you’re going to want to stay healthily under the influence throughout the day, probably to a point where you aren’t sure if you’ve lost feeling in your body to the wind chill or the alcohol. Unless your definition of fun consists of shivering through the pain, I’d suggest a to-go coffee cup with your alcohol of choice to chase with a friend’s beer throughout the day. It’s important to not carry your own beer, because those cans get frigid and will only serve as a reminder of how cold it is while piercingly numbing the hand that you’re holding it in. If you have concerns about that whole “liquor before beer…” thing, then you’re probably not cut out for the darty life anyways. And if you prefer to put alcohol in a Starbucks Venti passion fruit iced tea, just don’t. It’s embarrassing.
- Layered Clothes
Just go with around four to eighteen layers, and that should keep you from freezing to death. If you’re a girl, at least one layer must be a crop top and high-waisted jean shorts/shreds of denim sewn together to resemble ripped jeans, because #artsy. If you’re a guy, one of your layers are required to be a Hawaiian floral t-shirt because otherwise there is no actual indication that you’re even going to a darty. To indicate that you are in a fraternity, you should only button the one on the very bottom. Frat stars, don’t button at all.
Although it may be cold outside, the only cold weather accessory you need is texting gloves to keep your opposable thumbs attached to your body. Or for when you need to send out your own Amber Alert to find your drunk-ass friend who left you to pee 3 hours ago.
The true selection of darty accessories consist of impulse buys that you had really no incentive of actually wearing in the first place when you purchased it. And, no, chokers don’t count as scarves.
But if there’s one thing kids can rely on Syracuse for, besides a delayed flight out of Syracuse Hancock International Airport, it’s presenting them with an opportunity to wear something they never thought they actually would, whether it’s a themed frat party or an outside darty despite the weather. Properly accessorizing for darties is important because you need to know where you are in all those Snapchats and Instagrams of the crowd taken from drones, otherwise the day was a waste. Think daisy crowns, chokers that look like neck braces, bucket hats, bleached t-shirts with lace, etc., because even though it’s freezing, a darty is still a darty. Sunglasses are also extremely important because the darkness of night is not available to hide any unfortunate facial features, such as your entire face.
- Find A Bae
For “body warmth.” Try for one who lives within the vicinity of where the darty is taking place, but beggars also can’t be choosers. With a 46% male to 54% female ratio at Syracuse, this calls for a little more aggression coming from the girls’ side being that it’s relatively easier for guys to find a replacement. Once you’ve accumulated a bae, lock that shit down. Giving you his jacket to borrow after you’ve mentioned upwards of three thousand times how cold you are is the darty version of getting engaged.
- Have bladder control
Peeing in bushes and squatting behind cars can actually be considered hazardous—more because of the climate these days than the fine from Syracuse police who clearly don’t make enough money off parking tickets. If you’ve ever walked to class with even the faintest of a wet head from a shower or excessive gym sweat, you know it takes about seven steps past your door for your wet hair to freeze and make you look like Lance Bass with frosted tips. Just keep the freezing temperatures in mind, should you so choose to expel liquids from your body in the frigid great outdoors.
- Commitment and Dedication
A couple of wise men known as the Beastie Boys, once said, “You gotta fight for your right to party.” But in this case, your body literally needs to fight the urge to stay in the warm comfort of your bed, because before you know it, this enjoyably pleasant lifestyle won’t be so widely accepted amongst those we surround ourselves with.