What Buddy The Elf's Story Would Be if it Took Place in Syracuse
Buddy had a particularly rough night as a newcomer to college nightlife. He didn't stand a chance with girls compared to the older frat guys. He sat by the bar with a nonstop rotation of Fireball shots, even though the aroma of body odor, Red Bull-Vodka, and vomit with an overpowering scent of morning-after-regret of DJ’s alone is enough to get you fairly intoxicated. Buddy blacks out and drunkenly stumbles into Insomnia where he passes out.
Most people don’t know this, but Santa often raids Insomnia during the off-season when he can’t contain his cravings for milk and cookies until Christmas Eve. Buddy climbed into Santa’s sleigh parked on Marshall Street (how he didn’t get a parking ticket without paying the meter, that’s a mystery), for a more comfortable slumber. Santa returned to his sleigh unaware of the stowaway in his backseat, and headed for the North Pole.
Buddy awoke and stepped out of the sleigh into the snow. Despite it being uncomfortably hot when Buddy was pregaming the night before, it didn’t occur to him that he may not be in Syracuse anymore because this is just how he had imagined it... cold, snowy, and gray. Soon enough, Santa found him wandering around. He gave Buddy clothes to change into, and nervous what Mrs. Claus would say if she found out he snuck out to Insomnia again, he decided to disguise Buddy as an elf for the time being.
He brought Buddy to the workshop, and having never been to college before, Buddy assumed this was just another one of his classes. He continued to make toys with the other elves, and just like any body’s first semester at college, over time he completely forgot about his life prior.
With Christmas approaching, Santa knew it was time to tell Buddy who he really was, and that his father was on the naughty list being a professor in Whitman. Buddy embarked on his journey to return to Syracuse, passing through the seven levels of Candy Cane Forest, through Onongada Lake of swirly tirly gumdrops, and walked past South Campus. DPS got a few reports and sent a Public Safety Notice, which nobody read.
Buddy arrives at Whitman and roams around the halls, knocking on all of the team rooms in search of his dad. Someone’s Snapchat of him walking around appears on the MyCampus Story and DPS rushes to the scene to follow protocol of preventing any fun from ever happening. Buddy explains Walter Hobbs is his father and they take him to Mr. Hobbs’ classroom. The Whitman Board tells Walter causing such a commotion is his second strike, after his first strike of grading too fairly by giving more than 30% of the class A’s when they’re deserved.
Refusing to believe this guy dressed as an elf is his son, Walter brings Buddy to Health Services for a DNA test. Unsure of what to do, they give Buddy a prescription for Amoxicillin and an inhaler just in case. Walter grows frustrated and dumps Buddy in a dorm room. But he doesn’t stay there long, as he hears a raucous in the hallway and sees a bunch of people dressed like elves, but a lot more skin showing. He follows them into a crowded house with letters he’s never seen before hanging over the doorway. He’s handed a beer and told to chug it. Because he’s so used to chugging syrup, which has a thick consistency, the beer goes down in one gulp. People are fascinated and tell him to chug another, which he does. The brothers of the house hold an emergency meeting and decide to give Buddy a bid. He moves in and soon enough he becomes a campus celebrity.
Things take a turn for the worst when the brothers find out Mr. Hobbs is Buddy’s dad. He’s currently failing all of them and refuses to give out extra credit, so they revoke Buddy’s membership, kicking him out of the fraternity and onto the streets. Buddy is walking through Walnut Park feeling sad and lonely when he sees Santa’s sleigh fall from the sky into Castle Court. DPS and the Syracuse Police freak out, and Campus Hill gets pissed because they said no partying in Castle Court. Concerned Syracuse may be getting back to number 1 party school because an event is happening in Castle Court, DPS fines Santa. He tells them the Clausometer is down to zero because everyone has lost their spirit since all their holiday parties keep getting shut down, so he physically cannot leave. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud and drinking beer so Buddy sends a Listserv telling everyone to come to Castle Court for a holiday party. Everybody puts on their ugly sweaters and heads to Castle Court while EDM and Justin Beiber remixes of Christmas music fills the air. As everyone starts singing, the Clausometer goes up and away Santa goes. With Christmas spirit as strong as it ever was, Mr. Hobbs cancels the final and gives everyone an A.
Buddy is welcomed back into the fraternity and goes on to major in Whitman. While taking Business Law, he realizes Santa violates labor laws by overworking the elves. Representing the elves, Buddy sues Santa and makes enough money to retire and move to Boca with the rest of Syracuse Alumni once they retire.