What Your Favorite Alcohol Says About You

Ghandi once said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” I’d hate to offend the world-renowned philosopher, but as far as I’m concerned this argument is highly illogical. You can find yourself rather painlessly by locating the closest mirror. Or better yet, you can take a quick second to analyze your preferred alcoholic beverage. After all, the sagacity of one's soul is highly dependent on the liquor of his or her choice.

Fuck, that was deep — here’s my interpretation of what your favorite alcohol says about you:

Vodka You are certainly not one to beat around the bush. You see life as a series of missions that absolutely must be completed, and at record speed. There is no room for error. That is until you’ve met your goal of downing eight shots in two minutes — in that case, I can assure you there will be plenty of error to follow.

Beer You are a “Real Man." As far as a man is concerned he could very well be watching Olympic figure skating, but as long as he’s clenching an ice-cold brewski in one hand and resting the other on his crotch, he’s doing it right. Girls who drink beer? Must mean they’re mad chill. Or I guess there’s the odd chance they enjoy it since it doesn’t taste like nail polish remover.

Wine You radiate elegance and sophistication, especially when you’re slapping a bag of Franzia. You’re most likely a romantic and may or may not have seen The Notebook 15+ times. Noah was like, “If you’re a bird I’m a bird,” and you were like “Noah, I will one hundred percent be a bird for you.”

Scotch You are a class act, my friend. People may not know, but you’re kind of a big deal. If you’re drinking scotch in your twenties I have several questions for you. The first being, how and through what means did you decide to acquire scotch? Are you Ron Burgundy? Do you want to hang out later? Let me know.

Tequila You have a problem. Seek help immediately.

And just like that I’ve saved you years of therapy. On one last note: Remember there will always come a time to pump the brakes when drinking. Don’t drink yourself into oblivion — alcoholics aren’t cute, and Lindsay Lohan can attest to that.