Why It’s Better to Cuff Yourself This Cuffing Season

Cuffing season came and went faster than this weekend’s one-night stand, and similar to the next morning when you awake from the dream of him proposing to you, or her making you a sandwich, you find yourself sleeping alone (unless you count that stuffed creature with missing facial features and limbs that was once was a teddy bear) and questioning what went wrong.

I’m not sure if there was an event on Facebook, or a Listserv sent out, or another form of mass communication to inform every single human surrounding me that now is the time to claim a person as their own. With Thanksgiving Break over, so is the cuffing stage. Now that everyone who got the memo and followed through with locking something down took the time at home to mention to their families that they’re “seeing someone” *cue Jewish grandmother aggressively inquire this “someone’s” last name as a not-so-subliminal way to ask if he/she is Jewish*. They are metaphorically throwing away their key to the single life by making this a family affair. People are no longer cuffing, and as the “most wonderful time of the year” is rapidly approaching, many are ready for another year of standing under mistletoes, seeing holiday rom-coms, and getting a gross kissing pic in before watching the ball drop at midnight. The holidays are much more fun when there’s someone by your side...so I’ve heard.

It’s like trying a bunch of new hairstyles you see that look good on other people. You’ll eventually give up because nothing seems to work, and go back to your original hairstyle because in the end, it’s what looked the best. Change is overrated anyways. Getting cuffed during this trying time is basically achieved through a time contingent method of trial and error. Although it may feel like you have failed yet another cuffing season, especially when you’re at your family holiday party and every cousin has a plus one except for you, this is not the case. Just like when all the hairstyles you tried failed to make you look as good as those other people, your original hairstyle was the one that was meant for you all along. The best relationship you can be in is one with yourself.

Convenience

Wanna see a movie or something? Probably not. The best part of cuffing yourself is you already know what you wanna do! You wouldn’t even ask yourself in the first place if you wanted to see a movie. You already know what you like and don’t like, therefore you don’t need to sit through a football game and pretend to know what’s going on. You’re always around to hang out with yourself, so you never have to spend a second apart. No more sending “U up?” texts, because you were sleeping before you could even ask yourself the question.

No Uncertainty

You don’t have to deal with the beginning stages of texting, waiting to respond twice as long as they took to respond to you because you don’t even need to text! You can just talk to yourself. Think of all the monthly data charges that will be saved. The best part is that you don’t even have to filter your conversations with yourself. You don’t have to be nervous introducing anyone new to your friends and family, hoping they’ll approve and get along just as you had hoped they would. They all already know and like you, probably.

Saves money

There’s no need to pay for her dinner because you don’t need to even take her to dinner. There is no “her.” Especially now during the holidays with all the gifts you need to get everyone in your life has you feeling like Oprah, leaving your bank account emptier than your refrigerator is at the moment. You literally couldn’t afford to be in a relationship with anyone other than yourself, even if you wanted to.

Polygamy

They say open relationships never work, but I disagree. Being in an open relationship with yourself is probably the healthiest way to be in a relationship with yourself. There definitely is a difference between being single and being in an open relationship with yourself. Single people, by default, are obligated to bring up the fact that they are single at least twice in every conversation they ever had or will have. Being in a polygamous relationship with yourself eliminates this civic duty of being a single individual.

So remember to stay strong this cuffing season, and love yourself like Kanye loves Kanye.