10 Ways To Celebrate Valentine’s Day If You’re Terminally Single


Design by Jena Salvatore Another February 14th, another year alone. Ah, the life of the terminally single. This is a sentiment that many of us humanoids are all too familiar with. Over the years you might have had your heart ripped out, or you might have had your best friend try to sleep with anyone you’ve shown emotional interest in. Or that could just be me. Regardless, romantic candlelit dinners, boxes of chocolate and grotesque amounts of PDA are innately disgusting and unwanted.

Despite Valentine’s Day being a celebration of love, it should really be a celebration of your independence from being tied down emotionally to someone else. There are plenty things pretty much everybody can do regardless of regional location, gender, religion, race, sexuality and even socioeconomic status! Through years of research spent in solitude and occasionally with others, Jerk has developed a list of things that you can do this Valentine’s Day:


  1. Masturbate

Yeah. A real traditional expression of self-love. We won’t tell you where or how to do it, because in a life of singlehood, you have no one there to tell you whether you can or can’t. No one can say what kind of porn is okay or yell at you for not thinking about them when you’re doing it.


  1. Jerk Off

Contrary to popular belief this one isn’t just for the guys. The ladies and gender-nonconforming can enjoy this seasonal delight.

  1. Flick The Bean

Don’t know much about how to execute this one, but your insides will probably appreciate it.

  1. Pleasure Yourself

Is this one about masturbation too? Yes.

  1. The Five Finger Shuffle

If you weren’t that great at doing the YMCA or the Electric Slide, this is one Cupid Shuffle that anyone can master. The great part about this finger tango is that you are in control of this finger choreography.

  1. Auditioning the hand puppet

No time for love when you’re the stage parent to Hollywood’s latest rising star.

  1. Backstroke roulette

Is it a Rihanna song? No. Is it Michael Phelp’s best stroke? Maybe. Is it a euphemism for masturbation? You bet.

  1. Watching Magic Mike (now streaming on Netflix), but definitely not for the plot.

Even if you aren’t into Channing Tatum or shirtless men in general, there are still plenty of reasons to participate in this ritual of passage into self-hatred. Those reasons: Joe Manganiello, Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer and Alex Pettyfer.

  1. Fucking Yourself


  1. Couch Hockey For One

For the sports lovers (I know, Jerk is being ~*~sooOo0Ooo00ooOOoo~*~ inclusive). Unlike other couch games that require an Xbox, Game Cube, Wii or you be a teenage boy to participate, this game’s controls and consul system are already attached to your body. If you aren’t much of a hockey fan…then grow the fuck up anyways and have some fun.