Navigating the Hometown Hookup

Photo credit to Mahrael Boutros via Unsplash (@mahrealist)

NEWSFLASH, Mom, we aren’t sixteen anymore. We know how to put condoms on bananas. Dental dams are no longer a mystery. And we always remember to disconnect from the family Bluetooth before playing porn… well, most of the time. 

So, for God’s sake (if she’s up there), just LET US HAVE S E X. 

^^Nice try. But if you want to make it through this holiday season with the rents unscathed, maybe try a more subtle approach. 

For everyone’s sanity, memorize JERK’s top strategies for sneaking around with our not-so sneaky links: 

1. Transparency. If you’re one of those people that’s weirdly close with your parents, like actually talks about their ~feelings~ without gagging close, we suggest just coming clean about your plan to bang and hope for the best. What are they gonna do about it? Say no? Well, yeah. But just tell ‘em the alternative: A loud motor noise emanating from your bedroom all night & one bitchy college kid. 

2. The classic “Hey Mom, I’m Going for a drive.” Also known as, “I need to go get gas.” It’s pretty self-explanatory — hop in your car and go retrieve your hot piece of ass. Assuming you’ve got a thorough knowledge of your hometown and which spots are secluded, park, and take it from there. Parking garages work well… or church parking lots #blessup. 3. This one is scary asf. If the family member(s) you’re home with happen to leave the house at any point, try to take advantage! Drill them for information on their outing, while simultaneously trying not to raise suspicion. Ask when they’re gonna be home, but make it sound like you want to know because you want to hang out with them! Be strategic, cautious, and smart. Once you’ve got your info, send out that booty call and get down to business. High risk, high reward, right? 

4. Another terrifying alternative: Once everyone is asleep, hit up your hookup. You’re sneaking that bitch in. The most important thing to keep in mind when doing this is to be. Fucking. Silent. When letting them in, whether it be via door or window, you should literally be able to hear a pin drop. Get your sneak on and usher them upstairs, but also make sure that you guys have an exit plan as well. No unexpected sleepovers! 

5. This last one is for the *not so* sneaky link. If the person you want to see is cool with having you over, but not vice versa, just tell your parents that you're headed to a friend's house instead! This way, you won't have to feel too guilty about the lying, since less people are involved. But the most important part for this one is to make sure to check your phone often while you’re not, you know, busy. Make sure you keep in contact with whoever is at home, or things could go south and suspicions could be risen. 

*NOTE: Lies are great and all, but make sure you have evidence to back that ish out. We’re talking edited pics of you and whoever you’re supposed to be hanging out with. Make sure you have a casual selfie of you and your bestie with NO identifiable background, clothing, or jewelry (just trust us on this one). Parents turn into absolute sleuths. Don’t f*ck with that.*

Most importantly, stay safe, stay sexy, and don’t get caught in a “‘Tis The Damn Season” moment. Miss Swift would not be proud of you.