25 Innovative Reasons Why You Didn’t Study for Finals
When finals are still a few weeks away, you have the purest of intentions. You fill your notebooks with to-do lists, make sure you attend every lecture, and promise yourself that you’ll study over Thanksgiving break. “This semester, things will be different,” you say. You are an adult. You are mature. You will set goals and achieve them.
Fast-forward to 10 p.m. on Sunday, the night before Hell finals week begins. Still nursing your hangover from the night before, all you can do is stare at the ceiling and wonder where it all went wrong. You have three tests, two group projects, and one presentation due within the next five days. You haven’t even opened your backpack. Things look bleak.
Just remember: when the going gets tough, no one cares if the tough get going because they are annoying, overachieving virgins. So stay in bed, turn off your alarm, and give up. It’s way easier to come up with an excuse for failure than it is to try and not fail, duh. I know that brainstorming a creative reason to explain why you didn’t study for that PSY 205 exam is a lot of effort. Since you’re clearly a lazy piece of shit, I took the liberty of suggesting some excuses for you.
- One of my eyes fell out of its socket.
- I found out my dead grandfather was being exhumed for a police investigation.
- My sister was kidnapped by a drug cartel so I spent all night negotiating with the Mexican authorities.
- I woke up in a good mood and didn't want to ruin it.
- Chipotle gave me E. Coli and I didn’t want to risk getting diarrhea on my textbook.
- A swarm of bees invaded my dorm room.
- My cat ate my weed stash and I was up all night monitoring his behavior.
- Elf and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation were back to back on ABC Family.
- I took too much Adderall and couldn’t stop organizing the refrigerator.
- My pet goldfish shattered his bowl in a suicide attempt and the water spilled all over my review sheet.
- My life coach, DJ Khaled, didn’t post any wise words about the value of education.
- I couldn’t stop thinking about chicken nuggets.
- The Starbucks line took much longer than anticipated.
- My boyfriend cheated on me so I Googled “how to get away with murder” and then got sucked into that television series.
- I accidentally watched all six Star Wars movies.
- My online textbook rental expired and I couldn’t afford to renew it.
- Someone tagged me in a really cute Instagram of a puppy and I wasted eight hours stalking Golden Retriever accounts.
- I had to bail my mom out of jail.
- My calculator is solar powered and it wasn’t sunny enough to function.
- I thought the exam material was lackluster so I read Pride and Prejudice instead.
- My roommate’s girlfriend dumped him so I spent all night spoon-feeding him Ben & Jerry’s.
- I walked around the library for hours looking for a table with an outlet and never found one.
- I forgot my Quizlet login information.
- Help me, I’m poor.
- Donald Trump might become our president so nothing matters anyway.
It pays to get A’s, but C’s get degrees. Happy finals!