5 Girls You're Bound To Meet In A Bar Bathroom

Photo by Adham Elsharkawi

It’s approaching midnight on a Thursday evening. Parents hope that for the price of your education you’d be spending the evening in the library. Sigh. Let’s put it this way—it’s certainly not called “Thinking Thursday”. We all know that the $60,000 we willingly hand over to this university is really social dues anyway. To add fuel to the fire, you’re blowing your pathetic allowance on cover at one of the four bars near Marshall Street.

As the night rages on and the fish bowls go empty, you’re suddenly struck with an urge. No, I’m not talking about the sudden desire to grind with that guy in your WRT 105 class (which is an impulse that should always be suppressed, unless you’re 18 and in DJ’s then, fine, enjoy your moment). I mean, of course, the urge to pee. Realizing you must break the seal is a bittersweet moment, but it’s a feeling that cannot be pushed aside. As you round up your #squad for the migration to the dingy restroom, prepare yourself. Similar to the five people you’ll meet in Heaven, there’s five girls you will meet in the bar bathroom.

The Mean Girl

This girl is no Regina George; she’s very open with her bad attitude. She scowls at anything that breathes, bangs impatiently on the stall door as a girl vomits on the other side, and hogs the mirror like it was installed solely for her. If her Resting Bitch Face wasn’t a blatant giveaway to her black soul, her running mouth is. This girl talks shit about people like it’s an art form. Suddenly you’re questioning the diameter of your ankles, because apparently Melanie is a slut and hers are huge.

The Hot Mess

Did she just find out her dog died? Is she distressed because world peace will never exist? Did Brian make out with Cindy? You’ll probably never know, because she cannot formulate words in between her drunken sobs. The fact that “Bachelor in Paradise” successfully exists (and yes, I watch it) is proof that we are addicted to drama. So you hand her a stiff paper towel to mop up her mascara and offer some generic comforting words in hopes that she spills the tea before it’s your turn to pee.

The BFF

This girl is God. She enters the bathroom and all your prayers are answered. Need mascara? A tampon? A copy of Britney’s second CD? She has it all in her purse. She compliments your shoes and wipes the running eyeliner off your face. For three whole minutes, she’s the best friend you’ve always wanted. You never find out her name but you share your life story with her in under 45 seconds. When you pass her in the bar later, you’ll both squeal “babe!” and warmly embrace. You may or may not take a photo with her depending on your intoxication level.

The Wing-Woman

While you listen to the pep talk she gives her best friend, you’ll wonder why this girl wasn’t cast as the coach in ‘Miracle.’ She is inspiring as fuck. You suddenly find yourself asking her for boy advice, and she tells you exactly how to make Bobby jealous. The other girls in the bathroom cheer her on as she shares her wisdom. When you’re tongue-deep in Bobby’s mouth at the end of the night, she’ll walk by and throw you a knowing wink.

The Class Act

She’s the same major as you. You’ve sat two seats away from her for three years now, but you do not acknowledge each other in the classroom. Yet the second she pops out of the stall, it’s like a high school reunion. “OH MY GOD Becky! Can you believe that test today?” You’re old pals. The two of you shit on your professor and babble about homework because Psych 300 is the only thing you’ll ever have in common. In class on Monday, it’ll be like this heartwarming moment never existed.

The moments spent with these ladies are fleeting, but special nonetheless. Next time you need a hair-tie, a motivational speech, or a dose of drama, head to the bathroom line. Your time at the bar wouldn’t be the same if each of these girls didn’t exist. Except the Mean Girl. She should get hit by a bus.