7 New Year's Resolutions That Are Actually Realistic for College Students


image Let’s be honest, making and then sticking to a New Year’s resolution during the four years of life where you can barely remember to do your laundry is kind of an unrealistic feat. Luckily, I understand that, and have devised for you a list of collegiate resolutions to make this year that are way more achievable than any super ambitious crap you may come up with.

1. Stop gluttonously binge-eating. Any resolutions with the word “diet” in them do not have a place in your college life. Leave those real person resolutions for when you have a 401K, or maybe diabetes. This year, don’t focus on going carb-free or starting Atkins – instead, simply stop consuming one meal of Sliders or Chipotle once a day and you should be okay. It is a realistic to goal to tell yourself that in 2015 you will strive for three, justifiably sized meals a day, even if one does have to come from Marshall Street.

2. Write down a few phrases during class. Actually “taking notes” is for freshman, and we get that, but when you can’t afford to fail all of your Arts & Sciences electives again next semester, implement this resolution where you write down key phrases during each class, and hope it’s enough. Note taking is often unnecessary, and can lead to carpal tunnel (scary!), so when you hear your professor say something somewhat relevant sounding, just write down key words and then try to remember the outlying concepts surrounding the phrase. A for effort!

3. Only drunk eat on the weekend. I know this resolution won’t bode well for all of the Jeffery Campbell-donning #TuesdayBoozeday Acrop-lovers on this campus, but if you really want to lose those extra 3 lbs., attempt only allow yourself drunken munchies on the weekend nights (and no, not including Thursday). This is hardly a resolution that eliminates that waistline-sabotaging habit entirely, but for your sophomore year of college and onward it’s pretty damn realistic.

4. Go to a damn basketball game. Sure, this may be my senior year regrets manifesting on your screen, but this year, get yourself to an ACC game. You made your parents get you season tickets, you bought the overpriced ‘CUSE pinnies from the bookstore, and you tweet about how much you loOo0ve Syracuse basketball #bleedorange. So this year, instead of only going to the tailgate and then heading to Chipotle when the actual game starts, make the resolution to try to go to one, even if you just eat nachos and take selfies the entire time you’re there.

5. Be nice to your recitation leader. Guyz, TAs are people too… Maybe. But if you think about it, these poor grad students have no control over your section falling on Friday mornings, or that your labs each week are more at Stephen Hawkings’s level – they are too busy being underpaid by the University and working their asses off to better the situation. Students’ attitudes towards them sort of a lose-lose. We’re all so constantly annoyed of recitations that we treat the TAs like the shouting religious men on Waverly. We roll our eyes, ignore them completely, and sometimes question their beliefs – but at the end of the day they control our grade… So be the one person out of the class that is nice to the poor fool and watch how you get an A even after failing the midterm.

6. Stick to a two drink maximum. HAHAHA jk. But a cool and feasible drinking resolution could actually be: Stick to two “drinks” per night. This means, instead of pregaming with Tequila and then arriving at the bar to take Fireball shots chased with beer and then doing a birthday cake shot followed by a Jack & Coke, stick to only two types of alcohol per night. If you choose tequila and beer then cool, tequila and beer are your shot-taking, shot-chasing options. This seems so lame, I know, but it’s a good way to curb some gnarly hangovers and also DON’T YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOUR BODIES? Yeesh.

7. Delete Tinder. I know, I know, this is going to be a toughie for all of you “but I don’t know how to talk to girls, I can only bang ‘em” fellas in the 315, but ladies and gentlemen alike, you will be better off in 2015 if you remove the application from your phones that promotes talking to another sex solely based upon a photo. Tinder is a shallow, self-esteem disintegrator that doesn’t even lead to more dates or marriages like Match.com. Though it was totally fun in 2014, it’s about time we stop swiping and start striking up conversation the old fashioned way.

I hope some of you can take my advice for half-assed New Year goals, and take up one of the realistic resolutions in 2015. For the rest of you… there’s always post-graduation.