8 Valentine's Day Gifts For That No Longer Special Someone
You met, you fell for them, and later on, for various reasons (he cheated, she slept around, he didn’t treat you right, etc.) you two broke up. While I say, THANK GOD you got rid of that jerk/asshole/insert appropriate derogatory term here, you deserve better than that. I'd say you should just pick up and move on, but sometimes that’s way easier said than done.
With the annual obligatory PDA-filled and cash-diminishing holiday known as Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, it’s not hard to feel especially sad. But, while the rest of the world spends insensible amounts of cash on their significant other, I’ve composed a list of V-Day gifts perfect for your ex, so you too can still get in on the gift-giving festivities.
1. A hissing cockroach in your ex’s name All exes are basically vermin anyway, so why not legally name one after him? Thanks to the creative folks at the San Francisco Zoo, for just $25, you can adopt one of their hissing cockroaches and name if after your ex! And for $50, you can send a stuffed scorpion to your former lover, complete with a certificate of purchase... Although, if you ask me, that roach probably still isn’t as gross as your ex.
2. Ex e-greeting cards While couples will be giving and receiving frilly Valentine’s Day cards complete with glitter and cheesy messages, go ahead and email your ex an appropriate greeting card. Nothing says, “I couldn’t care less about you” more than an e-card. With messages like “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you,” what could be better?
3. Ex voodoo doll So your ex broke your heart and basically left you ripped to pieces. Do the same and let him or her know you’re the one doing it! This website sells custom-made voodoo dolls of your ex — just send in a photograph and look forward to stabbing their "heart" the way they stabbed yours. For even more fun, mail the doll along with pins in place, since nothing’s more romantic than knowing someone wants you in pain.
4. An ugly bag No matter how physically beautiful this person is, none of that matters when their heart is ugly as hell. Beauty on the inside reflects on the outside, no? To protect the world from the hideousness that is his or her face with those lying eyes, gift this ugly paper bag to mask it up. Trust me, you’ll be doing everyone a huge favor.
5. Small-sized condoms Just for the guy who used to boast about his "blessed" parts and then went ahead and spread those "blessings" elsewhere, this is the perfect gift to put him back in his place. No guy likes to be told he’s less endowed, but you could probably tell him that he basically acted like a huge dick anyway, so that’s where it all went.
6. A box of shit A genius somewhere in the world started a shit delivering service and all I could think was, why has no one thought of this before? For as low as $16.95, you can send your former love a box of organic, wet horse poop and even a message to go along with it. Fret not, all deliveries remain anonymous (unless you want the person to know it’s from you, then go ahead). Did I mention it’s free shipping worldwide?
7. Laxatives On the other hand, if you feel that your ex is already shit or basically, full of it, hand them some laxatives in hopes that he or she will finally expel all their bullshit. It’s still somewhat romantic (hey, it’s chocolate flavored!), and how appropriate is it that it’s named ex-lax?
8. Crabs And no, I’m not talking about the crustaceans that come with butter sauce. Definitely the ultimate revenge, this website sells plastic vials of pubic lice and ships it to you. While it does not go into details as to where it gets the lice from, the site does suggest spreading these little love bugs on your ex’s clothes or bedding and letting them do the rest of the work. Highly recommended for that cheating ex.
Photo by Adham Elsharkawi