A Definitive Categorization Of Farts, As Told By The 2016 Presidential Candidates
Lately, there’s been an excess of chatter in the Syracuse community surrounding the upcoming presidential election. This is with good reason, considering the primary election season and its heightened coverage kicked off on February 1st and will continue until mid-June. However, according to my extensive Bird library eavesdropping, there is still a bit of confusion out there about those in the running. It’s clear that to the general public, the remaining 11 effervescent piles of flatulence —ahem, presidential candidates— continue to be indistinguishable from one another.
So, if you’re still at a loss for how to reply to the question, “Which fart are you voting for?” don't bother stalking CNN's Twitter to figure things out. We’ve compiled a definitive ranking of these sweet invisible scents to help ease the answer out.
Jim Gilmore (Former Virginia Governor, Republican)
Full disclosure, we really don’t know too much about this guy. Is his a sweet fart from the man sitting next to us on our connecting flight, or could it just be the aroma of roast beef sandwich emanating from 27A? Seems harmless enough, but we’ll let you know if the methane starts getting to us.
Jeb Bush (Former Florida Governor, Republican)
SBD (Silent But Deadly)
Jeb Bush, albeit a sweet man, carries with him a sort of lingering odor that he just can’t seem to kick. Maybe it’s his surname, maybe it’s the time he changed the ballots in the 2000 election, we’re not really sure. All we know is that this fart is not heard and is entirely fatal. The scent from this fart could melt steel beams and Jeb could probably still get away with it.
Hillary Clinton (Former US Secretary of State, Democrat)
The Blameless Fart
Whoever denied it, supplied it. And OK, maybe Hillary sent some emails off a server that wasn’t exactly confidential. But SHE’S A GRANDMOTHER! Do grandmothers fart?
Unfortunately, grandmothers’ bodies are just as gross as everyone elses’ bodies, and yes, using a private server for discussions regarding protected information is entirely illegal as per federal regulations. But really, it wasn’t her. It must’ve been someone else.
Donald Trump (Chairman of the Trump Organization, Republican)
Literally no one wants to let out a shart, ever. They may think, “Sharting will get me out of class” or “Oh, sharting is a business man!” Trying to let a sweet fart rip and actually shitting your pants instead is the worst thing that could ever happen- much like a racist bigot being put in charge of running a nation.
Carly Fiorina (Former Hewlett-Packard CEO, Republican)
Carly Fiorina, a once-fired CEO, is a human Dutch Oven. Homegirl started her crusade against Planned Parenthood’s “selling baby parts” to supplement her campaign and effectively pulled the covers over the head of America so we could all breathe in her stanky excrement.
John Kasich (Current Ohio Governor, Republican)
John Kasich, if not for being entirely underrated always, seems like he’d make a good enough candidate. Unfortunately, his screen time in debates has been about equivalent to the impact he’s made on voters, which is why he can be equated to the infamous Crop Dust. Elusive and difficult to pinpoint, John Kasich did wonderful things for Ohio but not for America’s nostrils.
Ted Cruz (Current Texas Senator, Republican)
The most serious of the farts: the Period Fart is an inescapable right of passage in a woman’s life. While she’s already dealing with her vagina bleeding excessively and a lack of sex, she suddenly lets out a horrendous fart on her boyfriend’s couch and all bets are off. Similarly, while we already were in deep, bloody shit, Cruz lied his way right to a win in the Iowa Caucus. Doesn’t smell so good, friends.
Marco Rubio (Current Florida Senator, Republican)
Marco Rubio’s just here to have a good time, but considering he hasn’t shown up to really any senatorial votes, like ever, we’re just going to have to assume he’s dealing with some wicked hangovers. Rubio slips out of someone’s ass at 1pm Stella’s brunch and everyone usually laughs about it, but sometimes they forget there’s other people around them eating and things get weird.
Ben Carson (Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital, Republican)
Ben Carson is that surprise fart you let out during sex with a guy you thought you really hit it off with. You’re truly enjoying yourself in doggy, and this Ben Carson just slips out and ruins the mood entirely. Except, this fart is a surgeon and doesn’t know the first thing about being president of the United States of America. It’s surprising that this fart would consider remaining in a presidential race, considering now you’re racing to dip out of this guy’s apartment before another one lets loose.
Chris Christie (Current New Jersey Governor, Republican)
A robust candidate who always uses his outside voice, Chris Christie is a legend in New Jersey. He’s the kind of fart that an entire friend group will talk about for a year after it happens, because it’s made that big of a ridiculous impact. Think: machine gun sounds and blazing scents, the Christie fart will shut down traffic from New Jersey to New York just because it doesn’t like you. No holds barred and certainly no precautions taken, the Christie fart is going places, just not maybe to the Oval Office.
Bernie Sanders (Current Vermont Senator, Democrat)
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie... The schleppiest candidate is a man who would be down for Chipotle, even though it definitely gives him some bad gas. The dude forgot his Bean-O, but he tells you that before he gets in your car to go home. He lets them rip the whole way, but rolls the windows down after each one, and offers to pay your tuition once you drop him off.