Bow Before Betty

That means on your knees, bitch.

By Kevin Eggleston

Illustration of Betty White by Crystal White

Perhaps you saw Betty White in that Super Bowl commercial for Snickers, or watched her accept the Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award, or recognized her in The Proposal when she steals the movie with a three-second boob search on Sandra Bullock.

I don’t give a beetle’s toe where you saw her, you comedic philistine: you can’t send Obama back to Illinois, you can’t send Stephen Hawking back to second grade, and you sure as hell can’t force Betty White to host Saturday Night Live.

Betty White is a subversive comedic genius. She’s not the frickin’ novelty item for those who think “that’s what she said” lines are hilarious, and love Judd Apatow humor and obvious satires. SNL actually ran a parody of Snooki from Jersey Shore — who much like Sarah Palin, is a parody in real life— and labeled it comedy. That’s like hiring a caterer and pretending to cook.

Betty White has made classy double entendres and winked suggestively at American Puritanism since the invention of television. She was funnier as a guest-host on The Match Game than all of the SNL hosts of the past 10 years combined.

Sending Betty White into the Will Ferrell-tainted, obnoxious character-infested, STD-infected Dick in a Box that is the SNL studio is like sending Marilyn Monroe back to the trailer park. It’s not an honor — it’s obscene.

So if for some reason Betty decides to grace SNL like a daffodil in a pile of dung, know that she has no reason to be grateful to your insufferable Facebook group. As she advised Maggie and Kathy Griffin on My Life on the D-List: “It’s what you don’t say that’s funny.”

Yeah, that’s what she said. So do her a favor and shut up — Betty is not amused.

Illustration by Crystal White