Catfish: Spring Break Edition
The most dreaded question for someone who plans on trying to eat wings in bed next week is, “So, where are you going for spring break?” When you finally spit out the fact that you’re going back to New Jersey, everyone in the room looks at you like they just saw your dog get hit by a car. They feel sorry for you. But there is an easy fix that can help you avoid their pitying, sun-kissed looks.
Wouldn't that be easier? Imagine: you tell everyone you're catching the next flight to Cancun, when in reality your mom is picking you up in the Volvo. It's genius. With our Jerk Survival Guide to Catfishing Your Friends, your sorority sisters in Miami will be envying your spring break.
Here is how you do it.
You absolutely must go tanning. No excuses.
The first sign you went on vacation is your tan, and the tanner you are the more envious everyone will be of your spring break. It’s that simple. Go to your local tanning salon and let those ultraviolet rays do their job. You are probably pasty AF from winter, so the trick is to stay in the tanning bed for as long as possible. Eventually, the employees will have to kick you out, because there are laws about that stuff. The FDA obviously doesn’t understand you’re just trying to get a glowing complexion for your next deceitful Instagram of you on your front lawn drinking a margarita.
Increase your social media activity.
It doesn’t matter if you never post on social media accounts. This week, you have to. Look back on your old photos from your vacations. Find a couple of yourself in the ocean, sipping on a tropical drink, and looking tan. Instagram them with a classic vacation caption like, “Life is a beach, I’m just playin' in the sand #SBK2016."
Pro tip: hack into your mom’s Facebook account. It shouldn’t be too hard, her password is probably "password123" or your name. Once you get in, post a sappy message on your own wall that says how excited she is to be able to spend spring break relaxing on the beach with you. Once you get a mom involved, people won't question anything. Moms never lie.
Learn how to deceive via text.
When someone texts you while you’re "on vacation,” don’t answer right away. You want people to think you’re too busy drinking tropical drinks and swimming in an infinity pool overlooking the ocean to answer their insignificant text message. Better yet, turn off iMessage. Sorry, no service in Mexico.
Avoid most public places.
Stay far away from heavily populated places. You never know who’s watching—that friend of a friend who follows you on Instagram or your ex-best friend’s older brother’s girlfriend’s sister. You could be caught anytime. There are eyes on you everywhere. So when your mom asks you to pick up the dry cleaning, be sure to politely decline.
Know your story and stick to it.
This is key. You can’t tell Vanessa you went to Cancun, but then tell Rachel you went to Cabo. Everyone knows that they are best friends, not to mention they love to gossip. Your cover will be blown instantly. Come up with an easy-to-remember story with vague details so you’ll never get confused. “Yeah, my trip was awesome. Super sunny. Super beachy. Super fun.”
Hope you have a great spring break on the tropical island that you didn’t go to! I know I will.