Chris Comes to ‘Cuse: An R-Rated Family Weekend Tale


Courtesy of “Shit.” “Pussy.” “Fuck a dog in the ass and cum on its back.”

That’s how Saturday night’s family-weekend-friendly comedy act began as Chris D’Elia’s opener comes out on stage realizing there is an ASL interpreter there who has to sign every word he says. It was graphic.

Single, 32 year-old, decently attractive comedian continues to be a role model for the rest of his set by stating his biggest mistake of college, was going to college. Eloquently put, “You know what makes you stop drinking? Four DUIs. You know what $80,000 of student debt makes you? An alcoholic.” So fuck up now or later I guess? In a moderately funny, probably sexist set, he gives us two other fun-facts about kids our age: “Girls in their 20s are undercover fast food eaters,” encouraging guys to check under our beds because we probably have a pizza there. And secondly, if a dumb, drunk guy tries to fight someone in a bar for “looking at him,” he probably “hasn’t jerked off in three days.” Always the classiest stuff coming from these standup comedians.

“I don’t really know where I am.”

Says Chris, as he explains that once he got off of his plane in Buffalo he didn’t absorb anything until he walked out into our “strange auditorium”—let’s be honest though he wasn’t really missing much. He then told the audience his set would “ruin our lives,” and proceeded into a 45-minute hilarious, and occasionally disheartening take on his life as a 36-year-old adult.

He starts off with a bit about how he looks like a “sleepy eagle”—if you don’t know what he looks like, Google it right now. The audience laughed as they realized how true that statement was, and he got slightly offended. He then went into depth about spirit animals and eagles which got curiously weird at times. He tried to tell the audience that yelling “Noooo!!!” at an animal as it attacks you makes no sense, that one should start making that animal’s sounds on the off-chance you spoke its language for a second and it decided to not eat you. The joke obviously transitioned into the fear of the innocent mistake of asking a bear to let it fuck you in the mouth.

As every great comedian does, Chris tried to break down love for the audience, trying to answer the age old question of “what is love?” First he lands on “hanging out with someone too long, that’s love.” You spend a few too many nights on the couch watching movies and the next thing you know you’re married! Next he tells us “love is ‘I guess’”—wanna go to dinner? I guess. Wanna get a dog? I guess. Wanna get married? I guess. It’s all so innocent really, you’re just living your life one day, and the next you end up married; thanks for the terrifying reality, Chris. In the end, he decides that “Love is chipotle”—at first it’s really awesome, then it’s really shitty...literally.

Another, slightly predictable, but equally real-talk piece he did was bashing on all those people who go to the gym, and talk about it like they’re the shit (looking at you, Ernie Davis gym folks). If you post selfies in the gym with some “inspirational” caption like “Rome wasn’t built in a day,” Chris personally says to you: “Eat my dick”. No one cares, you’re not motivating anyone, we are still going to eat last night’s pizza from under our bed.

If you wanted to hear more hilarious, vulgar, and real jokes from Chris D’Elia…then you should have went. Your loss. It was overall a funny-as-fuck, entertaining night, mostly filled Chris laughing at his own jokes, moving his crazy eyebrows, doing odd plié-squat things, and speaking in a voice oddly reminiscent of Elmo’s. If that sounds cool to you, he has a show coming to Netflix in the near future. Check it out!

CultureSammy MonkComment