Competition and Gags

The low down on the get down with Craig Fuller

My boyfriend is the most competitive jerk ever, and it kind of turns me on. Any idea how I can get him to release that competitive spirit in bed? Man has incorporated competition into sex since the Stone Age. Neanderthals competed to see how many dinosaur bones they could shove into each other’s orifices. Fast forward a few millennia to a time when the King of Pop taught us all how to play tag in a king-sized bed.

The easiest way to add games to sex is spicing things up during foreplay. Strip poker is the obvious first choice, so prove your sexual prowess by choosing something a little more off-kilter. Playing hide and seek with the condom can add some excitement. Kick the can is also lots of fun when you replace the can with an open bottle of lube. Try jump rope with anal beads. (Or anal play with a jump rope, for that matter.) For lesbian orgies, Dildo Dodgeball, DilDodge for short, is also a nice twist. Speaking of twist, Twister doesn’t even need an explanation — the commercial was basically child porn.

But the most exciting way to add games to sex may also sound the most ridiculous. With the girl riding on top, whip out a board game and play it on the bed beside you. Keep thrusting throughout the game, and the No. 1 rule is that you must find a new position after each person’s turn. Just be sure to choose a simple game like Sorry! or Trouble — games like Clue may make your guy go soft. Because even if guys think with their dicks, those dicks don’t give a shit about Colonel Mustard.

My gag reflex is awful. Every time I give a guy head, I’m lucky to keep from vomiting all over him. Sadly, this has happened more than once. What can I do? While my personal gag reflex goes bezerk every time I hear the word “abstinence,” many human beings suffers from hypersensitivity to touch in the throat region. It appears that some people are just born with smaller throats, just like some of us are born with a flat ass (yes, I’m bitter).

Luckily, just as I got over my fear of obese Latina women, your throat can get over its fear of cock. I once started sleeping with a guy with a monster dick, so my throat had some training to do. Trust me, if I could down that Kirstie Alley-sized sausage, you can down a normal one.

Start by putting yourself in control and practice with a banana: it’s a good way to trick your throat. It will think the banana is a penis, but then, your taste buds will be like, “Nah, bitch, it’s food!” Ergo, the throat will loosen up and you can deep throat that potassium rod. The key is to train your throat to remember the banana when sucking on some manhood. Your throat will get confused and open up. But if you still can’t suck without gagging, I suggest surgery. Life is too short to not suck dick.

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