Dealbreakers: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
By Lauyrn Botterman
If you’re an offender of any of these dealbreakers, you might as well walk yourself home right now because newsflash: YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY.
Halitosis
For those who are unfamiliar with this formal medical term, I’m talking about bad breath. There are few things more repulsive than inhaling a putrid concoction of your pre-party black bean burrito bowl, Natty Light, and cigarette smoke. Honestly, if you’re looking for some action, try popping a Tic Tac (or six) before attempting to shove your rancid tongue down anyone’s throat. Puhhlease. I’d rather make out with a rabid cat. I don’t care if your name is Ryan Gosling (well… that may be the ONE exception)—if your mouth has an odor and it ain’t minty fresh, you can back your ass out of my vicinity.
Excessive Facial Hair
There is a distinct line between sexy scruff and full-out caveman status. Don’t cross it. Very few, if any, men can successfully pull off a goatee, chin strap, or (cringe) soul patch. Actually, no one can really pull off a soul patch. Look, I know you and your bros are all excited about No Shave November, but if your face is covered in layers of prickly fur, you might as well call it No Sex November.
While we’re on the topic of unsightly hair: make sure to keep your nether regions neatly trimmed. As I’ve previously noted, failure to maintain a consistent manscaping routine is a major turn off.
Incompetent Kisser
It should be a no-brainer by now: Learn the proper kissing technique! If your idea of a hot make out sesh involves a Tornado Tongue or licking the entire lower half of my face, you need to stop and reevaluate your life choices. This is not a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven at your crush’s 6th grade birthday party—at this point, it’s expected that you have some sense of what you’re doing. There is an art to this skill. If you haven’t mastered the basics of first base, we can only assume that your skills in the sack are sub-par at best.
B.O.
Along with bad breath, strange body odor ranks close to the top of the Gag Me list. Yes, it may be crowded and hot at those parties, but that’s no excuse for poor hygiene. Swipe on a few extra coats of deodorant, stash some Febreze in your pocket—do what you need to do, but just make sure you don’t reek of Eau De Sweat. In my book, men who exude a sexy, subtle aroma have already raised their panty-dropping potential by 25 percent. To the remaining malodorous masses: Smell ya later!
Wearing Ed Hardy in a Non-Ironic Context
BYE.