The Proper Present Practices

By Victoria Troxler

When I was in fourth grade, I begged and pleaded for a new basketball hoop. Don’t judge, I was a tom-boy. Fortunately Santa came through and delivered it on Christmas morning. I fucking loved Santa.

The next week at school my childhood changed forever. I bragged to my very best friend, who happens to be my neighbor, about my basketball hoop, it went a little like this:

Me: “Guess what Santa brought me for Christmas? A basketball hoop!”

My Jewish Friend: “Santa didn’t give that to you, I saw your dad drive up to your house with it last week."

Even though I was devastated to learn that my dad had been lying to me for my entire life, I didn’t really care. What I cared about was that I got the present. So the moral of Christmas was clear to me: it’s all about the presents.

Though this truth is awful and probably offensive to the uber religious, it is nonetheless a truth. However, gift giving is rather hard these days. You never know whom you should get one for and what. Follow my Dos and Don’ts and you’ll be in the clear.

DON’T buy presents for “kind of” good friends and expect a present back. Most likely they won’t get you one. If you absolutely have an urge to spread some holiday joy, send them a text or a card at most.

DO get your parents a gift. Now that you have your own money, you should definitely get your rents a gift. It doesn’t need to be expensive, but why not repay them for pretending to be Santa for all these years?

DON’T give a gift you wouldn’t want to receive. If you plan on gifting something shitty, expect your friends not to like it. You sure as hell wouldn’t want that POS.

DO send thank you cards. Even if the card is just a sentence or two, it will be much appreciated. Reach out to those who reached out to you and let them know you’re thankful. It will also get you another present next year.