Don’t Be That Douche Bag


SLIDEBy: Lianna Hursh

Alcohol and college are very much like peanut butter and jelly. You really can’t do one without the other, unless you’re eating a grape jelly sandwich alone like fucking Steven Glansberg. Odds are, if you’re a social college being, you’re bound to run into alcohol practically everywhere you go. I mean, really—when was the last time you heard someone say “my God, I had WAY too much apple juiced last night.” Granted, we all take a trip to the vending machine for cranberry juice at approximately 9:37 p.m. every weekend, but I think we can all agree it’s not with the intention of preventing future bladder infections.

There’s a very fine line between having a good time and being that douche bag who quite literally took on more than he or she could swallow. Fortunately, there are a number of ways to drink responsibly—ish.

First off, stay hydrated. Drinking water throughout the night is the key to perfect drunkenness. Vodka might look like water, but don’t be silly and assume it has your back. Seriously guys, enough of the silliness. Staying hydrated is the best way to prevent nasty hangovers. We all know that feeling the morning after a long night when you wake up like, “Who the fuck put a vacuum in my mouth?”

Secondly, don’t binge drink. Us kooky college kids tend to get riled up from time to time, and decide to see how much alcohol we can consume in a five second time frame. It might be fun for five seconds, but it is significantly less fun for your friend who has to hold your hair back for the next five hours.

Next, use the buddy system. Look out for your friends and hope they will look out for you. Nothing is more terrifying than getting too drunk, looking around, and seeing nothing but strange faces. It is the human reaction to assume in this situation that everyone around you either wants you dead or wants to eat you. Or maybe that’s just me.

Finally, eat something before you drink. No, a cube of cheese doesn't count ladies. Yes, if you drink on an empty stomach you will get drunk faster, but you will also vomit later (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed). A snack before will slow the absorption of alcohol so it doesn't all slap you in the face at once.

Oh, and one last thing. Don’t act surprised if you go to a frat, drink “blue drank” and can’t remember your middle name seven minutes later. No blue drink ever has good intentions—and that’s obvious.