Fall so hard, motherfuckers wanna fine me


By Shelby Netschke

It's time to face reality; we live in Syracuse, the weather sucks. But, don't fret. Jerk has a guide to make sure each of you are living this fall to its full potential.

Go out apple picking before turning into a winter recluse

Before retreating into social hibernation for the winter, do something different with your friends. This low-key outing only requires a few bucks, a small chunk of your afternoon, and a strong willpower to resist devouring three bags of donuts when you inevitably migrate to the warm shelter of the cider mill. We suggest some gloves, should you decide to not regain body heat via donut. Hey, it's just an idea. Bonus: once you survive, you'll finally have the ingrediants to make all of that apple-based shit you saw on Pinterest. Then work on rationalizing not doing it because face it--you're actually far too lazy and unskilled.

Eat pumpkin flavored...everything

Pumpkin flavor is to fall what herpes is to--well, people who have herpes. You can't escape it. Instead, embrace it by eating everything in sight with the most legitimate rationalization since "I was shitfaced"--it's motherfucking pumpkin flavored. Stuff your face with pumpkin pie, coffee, muffins, donuts, cookies, pancakes, cupcakes, cheesecake, ice cream, and eventually pumpkin pie filling straight out of the can. It only comes once a year, right? Okay, so it's for like, three months. Still, if you're blessed with a kitchen and the eagerness of a housewife, check out Bite and Sip for some good starter recipes.

Start dressing with little to no sex appeal

Summer is long gone, but wipe those tears away before they freeze on your face. The days between shaving your legs are likely to grow longer. Own it. But don't forget it--stop wearing shorts with your boots; you look like a confused Eskimo. Toss your skanky clothes that reek of desperation back in the summer drawer, and instead fall in love with all things warm and itchy. My favorite's the five dollar extra-large men's sweater from Salvation Army that you know someone's wife threw away when their husband went out of town. Pair these "abstinence sweaters" with a scarf thick enough to double as a neck brace. Now, you're ready for a pathetically single winter spent crying over the entirety of Felicity--will she choose Noel or Ben?--on Netflix. Enjoy!

Go to a corn maze. Sober.

Let's be honest, you have a drinking problem. And that's totally okay--expected even--at most social gatherings. But corn mazes are already confusing and horrifying enough when you aren't intoxicated. It's one of those rare things that doesn't mix well with alcohol. Yes, they exist. If you do decide to say bottom's up before entering swirling paths of corn husks, there's a 97 percent chance you will be separated from your group. Hell, you're probably being incredibly annoying, so they'll lose you on purpose. The best part is, you won't realize any of this until you wake up face down in a muddy field, flask in hand.

Go somewhere haunted

This one is tricky, because it could easily backfire if you are a total loser and take haunted houses too seriously. Don't be that girl who always screams. Don't be that guy who throws punches. Most importantly, don't be the one who frantically grabs everyone by their hoods becuse you don't want them to feed you to the demons of the underworld. Sounding like a recipe for disaster? Fright Night at the Fair is only five bucks if you go with Orange After Dark. Still cheaper than getting a cab back to South blackout. Take advantage of it.

A few honorable mentions that couldn't be overlooked...

  • Jump in a leaf pile like you never did in your lackluster childhood
  • Cuddle in a fort, but remember to use protection--they're known to collapse.
  • Go on long, romantic walks--to the dining hall.
  • Learn to crochet. Officially end any delusions about a social life.
  • Scream at the football game on TV. (They can hear you. Keep it up coach!)
  • Have a bonfire, and burn that nasty sock that somehow ended up in your laundry.
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