Hook Up Horrorscopes

The air is turning brisk. Pumpkins are popping up across campus. A witch’s cackle shrills through the blackness – wait that’s just a fire alarm. Pennywise is lurking in the sewer, waiting for any girl tryna get cuffed. And lets be real, there is probably a ghost in your closet.

Amidst these seasonal spooks, would it really be October without an absolutely horrifying hook up? To soften the blow, read on to find out which hook up horror story inevitably awaits your zodiac sign this month.

Aries

With your roommate asleep in your open double, you're be forced to get a little innovative with your hook up scene. Drunk and horny, behind the bushes outside your dorm seems like the most appealing option. You sloppily tear off each other’s clothes and start to go at it on a pile of leaves. Suddenly, a blaring ring shrills through the October night: the motherfucking fire alarm – for the fourth time this week. You scramble to find your clothes, but it’s too late. The entire dorm building has shuffled outside to witness you in nothing but a condom and socks.

Taurus

8 a.m. math lecture is suddenly the most riveting hour and a half of your day now that you are hooking up with a Leo three rows down. One day, she sneaks back to your row and whispers something sexy in your ear. It takes all of your strength to keep your chill. To return the tease, you decide a little hand action never hurt anyone. You leave that lecture feeling like the shit for fingering your girl in a lecture hall of 200 people without anyone noticing. Not so fast – check the Syracuse snap story, sweetheart.

Gemini

You have sex in a pumpkin patch while autumn foliage falls around you. This is not a horror story. You’re doing great, Gemini.

Cancer

Notorious for thriving in adventure, the Cancer that you are capitalized on the cute Capricorn that is draping her arms around you, belting “Mr. Brightside” off key in a sea of jerseys. You whisper in her ear, “let's get out of here” and she nods eagerly. Convinced that you are probably peaking, the two of you sneak off to somewhere more private. Things are going extraordinarily well for you, and she begins to head down south. Suddenly, a hacking belch directs your eyes downward to find your crotch entirely coated in vomit and your cute girl looking up at you horrified.

Leo

The air is getting brisker and you are all in on this year’s cuffing season. You have composed a list of possible contenders and are taking option three out for a test run on frat row. Sporting double buns, a black mesh top, and black booties, her originality is overwhelmingly refreshing. You spin her around and start to make out when she suddenly whips out her iPhone and screams, “Let’s send a selfie to my dad!” Bewildered at this suggestion, you comply because she was, after all, hot. The evening turned out to be lack luster and you were in full ghosting mode the next day in Arabic class when your professor pulls out his android after class and says, “My daughter sent this to me last night, is this you?” Needless to say, you can forget about the A in Arabic.

Virgo

Pennywise lured you to the abyss with the cute girl from 4C, but you are five steps ahead, as a Virgo is. Your roommate is out of town, and your hook up playlist is finally at it’s fullest potential (cue “Redbone”). Things begin to steam up and you’re fiddling with her bra clasp for what seems like an eternity. Suddenly, a banging on the door sends a ripple through your “Saturdays Are For The Boys” flag. You bolt up and scurry to the peephole. Through all your planning, a crucial detail somehow slipped your mind: it’s parents weekend. You send your cute girl hiding in the closet of dirty laundry, inevitably butchering your chances, and stumble to put on your pants. “Hey mom!”

Libra

The ambitious natured Libra that you are, you locked down the cutest guy at the party and head back to his dorm to do the deed. Mid sex, his roommate bursts in and you scramble to cover your decency. Casually, he introduced himself and crawled into bed. A few minutes later, your hot hookup asks you if you have ever been to Paris. You have not. Keeping with the theme, he proceeds to ask if you would be interested in Eiffel Towering with his roommate. You should probably leave at this point.

Scorpio

In your journey to embark on casual sex with the lacrosse player down the hall, things are going great. He starts to go down on you and you are on cloud nine. He looks up from his work to sneak in some sexy eye contact and you notice his mouth is caked in blood. Panic sets in – did it come early? Did he bite me? He notices your horrified expression and stands up to check the mirror. “Oh,” he laughs, “I get nose bleeds when the air gets dry.” Wiping himself clean, he offers to continue but you politely decline. It’s a bit early in the season for blood and terror and the vampire look does not suit him.

Sagittarius

Since the weather is getting colder and you are packing down dining hall dumplings to prepare for winter, you decided you would be ambitious and see what this whole gym deal is all about. After an hour of what seemed like an attempt at pumping iron, you head back to your dorm where your hook up is patiently waiting for workout round two. Feeling yourself, you take control and start grinding on top because you are a sex god. Except, your naïve and out of shape ass forgot to stretch before lifting. Inevitably, your legs cramp up mid thrust. Essentially paralyzed, your hook up is forced to shimmy from under you and scampers off to retrieve some ice.

Capricorn

Rough sex on a Tuesday; a classic Capricorn move. As you get up to leave, you hear the guy say something about the condom falling off, but you got the birth control schedule of a champ and think little of it. Later that day, shooting pain rips through your stomach. You take a shower to try to make it go away and as you’re standing under the rushing water, a used condom slides down your leg. Stay classy, Capricorns.

Aquarius

This October may bring some downfalls or heartbreaks for you Aquarius, and it’s time for you to look for some rebound dick. No emotions, just some good old fashion sex. You make plans with the cute guy from your math class to hang out Friday night. You start fooling around and while you are naked flopping on top of him, this boy tells you he is a born again virgin. But apparently, God condones blowjobs. You will never get dressed faster.

Pisces

This spooky season will likely bring a new spark into your life. Basking in the honeymoon phase, you invite your new guy back to your place while your roommate is out of town. It’s the first time the two of you have caught a night alone together, and you have been stress cleaning since noon. The anticipation and untamed teenage horniness made for little talking when he arrived. Passion escalated at an extreme rate and before you know it, clothes were scattered on the floor. He pulls back your hair and whispers, “Tell me how bad you are.” You panic. Dirty talk is not your forte. You blurt out the first naughty thing that came to mind: “I burnt a house down!” Better luck next time young Pisces.