How to Deal With Beard Burn (and Other Sex Side Effects)
Ah, the joys of consistent consensual sex. What could go wrong? Well... a lot, actually. Hooking up frequently sounds great (and it usually is), but seven days a week of bumping uglies can also cause some serious damage.
Let's discuss some repercussions of too much sex.
If you’re like me and identify as “lumbersexual” you really appreciate a good beard. However, this sexy facial feature can be extra scratchy and really do some damage to your own precious face (and other parts your body). Consistently hooking up with a cutie with a bearded man can leave you with chapped lips or even worse, extremely dry irritated skin. Facial hair can act as a super exfoliant in the worst way, but luckily there are ways to prevent it from becoming the end of you.
Here are a couple tips to preserve your moneymaker.
- Moisturize prior to making out. In other words, create a protective barrier against the big, bad beard.
- Tell him to shave it or ship out. “Protect your heart, protect your face” should be stitched on a pillow.
A little love bite sounds sexy but the mark it leaves is so 7th grade. There's nothing worse than coming home from winter break, having your mother ask what the hell is on your neck, and being forced to lie and say it was “probably just a rash or something, I don't know.”
While there’s no way to prevent these little bruises there are some things you can do post-hickey to remedy the situation.
- Take a cold spoon and press it to the mark. The cold metal should break up the broken blood vessels in a jiffy.
- Think of some sick excuses for it.
“I burnt it with a curling iron.”
“I have suddenly developed a pigment disorder, it’s very rude of you to ask about it.”
“I’m into kinky shit and my boyfriend strangled me last night in bed.” (In retrospect, you might just want to take the L on this one and admit to your hickey).
Having mind-blowing sex is, well, mind-blowing, but it can also be muscle-pulling. Having sex consistently leaves room for you to get extra sore and gives you more chances to strain some not-so-sexy muscles. Best way to combat this is to stretch it out. If you know you’re about to have some sexy time, try to stretch before your partner comes over. Note: do this BEFOREHAND, don't make it weird. If the deed is already done and you’re feeling sore, invest in a muscle roller. They’re made for people who actually exercise but they work wonders for people who just like to bang.
Stay safe and stay sexy.