How To Make It Through Destiny USA… Alive

Courtesy of Destiny Mall: an isle of fates where dreams are discovered by all who dare to enter its golden gates… and sacrifice their paycheck. Lest ye be warned of the pitfalls many a’ shopper have faced through the decades. While Destiny is a place where people come to fraternize and find the perfect LBD, it is also where dreams come to die.

You think your boyfriend hates shopping with you? I’m a 19-year-old girl who plans on possibly working in the fashion industry one day, and I hate spending a day in Destiny. I absolutely despise it. If it meant I could abstain from ever returning to that desert wasteland of food court pretzels and moderately priced handbags, I would willingly forgo my first child. (My first child will probably be a spoiled brat, TBH, so odds are this is a win-win situation.)

Back to business: if you’re planning a trip to the sixth largest shopping center in the nation, you best be prepared. Below is a simple list of instructions crucial to any Destiny consumers’ survival ritual. It reads a bit like a zombie-apocalypse guide, but considering the similarities between zombies and people exiting Destiny, I think the set-up vibes pretty well.

  • Game Plan: Do not go into the mall blind. You won’t come out the same person. Destiny…. changes people. Pick your points of interest—Bare Minerals, Victoria’s Secret, Best Buy—and stick to them. Perusing is losing, and no one likes a loser.
  • Stock Up On Electrolytes: Shopping on an empty stomach is like grocery shopping when you’re hungry. Everything looks amazing, so you buy all the foods, eat all the foods, and then have all the regrets. It’s the same with trying clothes on. You feel slim and stylish, and a little faint, which is why your brain thinks you can pull off that magenta crop top bison fur sweater. Hit up the food court or chug a Gatorade prior to purchasing.
  • Buddy System: Don’t go into it alone. Don’t be a hero. Besides, the more the merrier. You can all get one of those leashes that connects approximately ten people or matching bomber jackets with your initials. The point is, just stick together.
  • Tell Your Family You Love Them: You never know what will happen in the danger zone. A stop at the Boston Market could lead to a food coma to outlast Haley Steinfeld’s career as a singer. Call up your loved ones; it may be your last chance. Plus your Venmo is running a bit low….
  • Draft Your Will Before Entering: You could die. Just saying. Then who would get all that sweet merch you just bought? Think of your little.
  • Avoid Traps: Flashy shop windows might draw you in, whispering, “Hey, you with your daddy’s credit card. You seen my 70% off rack?” Don’t listen to their siren calls. Most sales just mean the prices were hiked up before being marked down. Or worse, the sales associate won’t tell you that the particular items you’ve chosen don’t apply to the sale until after you’re completely rung up. Nothing is more humiliating than the walk of shame to put your clothes back on the rack.
  • Leave the Weak Behind: Be brutal. Only the strong and highly caffeinated will survive. If your friend falls victim to a 2-for-1 sale at Bath and Bodyworks, peace out before the fumes get to you, too.
  • Slap Island Merchants: Honestly, they're asking for it. Maybe it’s a personal vendetta, but if some rando came up to me on the streets and sprayed perfume in my face, I would straight up go ape. Why is it okay for a pushy stranger to assault me with cologne or smelly lotions? It's not.

Should you succeed, you’ll be Nae-Nae-ing out the double doors of horror with more plastic bags hanging off your arms than Hillary Clinton after a trip to Pantsuit Depot. Should you fail, I’ll know you didn’t finish reading this article, and I won’t be mad. Just disappointed.

Happy shopping, troops. Stay strong.