How to Party-Proof Your Apartment

By Christina Sterbenz

So based on the major dump of snow we got this weekend, Syracuse will probably be hit by another blizzard come May – meaning lots more opportunities for indoor soirées. But that also means the broken household items and the awful day-old beer smell that inevitably follow. If you want to sacrifice your pad for the sake of a night or two or shenanigans, here’s a few tips on how to have fun while keeping your place unscathed.

Do you really want to deal with broken glass and stained carpets while trying to get what’s-his-face to leave your bedroom before the judgments begin? Didn’t think so. Drunkenness and clumsiness go hand-in-hand. In addition to “accidents,” people just like to play catch with random crap. Cue party scene from Mean Girls.

1) Put all breakables in your room or another area marked as off-limits. If you can’t lock the door, threaten everyone to stay away (before they get too hammered). The room should include not only breakables, but also valuables and electronics, minus your iHome. Place that on a top shelf—far out of reach of anyone not in the NBA. This also solves fistfights over musical selection. Create a killer playlist before your friends arrive, so you only have to press play come party time.

2) Accept spilled drinks. People will knock them over. To decrease the likelihood of spillage or staining, only use Solo cups in three scenarios: you bought a keg, people want to play beer pong (or “ruit”…fucking East Coast lingo), or you want to serve mixed drinks.

Otherwise, keep Solo cups out of sight, as they have a much higher spill-factor than beer cans do. And if you thought that Solo cups would save your ass in the event that DPS made an appearance? Think again. If an asshole cop crashes your party, he will see no difference between Solo cups—let’s be honest, pretty indicative of drinking—and Keystone Light cans.

3) Protect your couch and floor. I’m not suggesting that you make like grandma and introduce plastic slip covers, but definitely find a way to cover your couch and floor. Check out Home Goods or Walmart and buy a cheap rug. Dishing out a little money sure beats dealing with your livid landlord, or steam cleaning your regular carpeting. You can drape your couch with old blankets (think shabby-chic), which you can then remove and wash if anything goes awry. A couch doesn’t exactly fit in the washing machine.

4) Stay remotely sober. The best way to protect your apartment is overseeing the situation with a clear head.

And if worse comes to worse, exert your control by putting that fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe under the sink.