How to Spot a Freshman on Campus

Photo by Adam SharkawyIt’s freshman year. All the hype of unloading your brand new garbage from Mom’s SUV finally simmered down and you’ve officially experienced “the moment” – a split second in time when the obvious reality sets in. That reality, of course, is that once again, you are the baby of the bunch. You are essentially a newborn baby living in a giant pool of giant drunk babies who are, to put it eloquently, trying their best to get their “willies” wet ASAP.

Let it be known that I am not trying to rip on freshman as a whole because being a freshman is 100 percent a “been there, done that” type sitch. Like, lets be real – I would be lying if I said my social life freshman year did not consist of “venturing” to DJ’s Thursday, Friday and Saturday night, and I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t caught making out with some rando who’s name was probably Brian when the lights turned on at 2 a.m.

Since it seems I’ve committed to being honest, I feel the need to disclose that I did in fact Google “generic stupid names” to land on Brian. Some of my other options were Ben and John but Ben is my friend and John is my Dad, and so Brian it is. Stuart was also an option but truthfully I don’t think I would ever have MO-ed with a “Stuart” even in my drunkest hour and that’s something I really pride myself on.

Looking back, I really wish there could’ve been someone to sit me down and give it to me straight- someone to tell me, “Hey, maybe don’t make out with Brian because I heard he hates his grandma” or “Hey, maybe don’t make out with Brian because you don’t know him.” There are a lot of things I wish I knew not to do, and in addition, a lot of things I also wish I knew not to wear. This brings me to my next point.

Here’s the thing about freshman (the smaller babies) that only the bigger babies can attest to … you can always spot them. Attention all freshman- I know you probably think you’re the first person to bring Brandy Melville to campus, but unfortunately that shit has been around since Sliders first introduced the “Tailgate.” Yeah, you don’t know what Sliders is, and that’s the point.

• If you’re wearing a high school soccer t-shirt around campus, we know you’re a freshman.
• If you’re wearing a high-waisted black skirt from H&M, we know you’re a freshman.
• If you’re wearing low-waisted jeans anytime past 10 p.m., we hope you’re a freshman.
• If you’re wearing or own a pair of jelly sandals, you’re probably a freshman.
• If you’re wearing anything see-through, consider changing your outfit because you’re obviously a freshman.
• If you’re wearing stilettos to DJ’s that’s not a thing and you’re likely a freshman.
• If you’re still wearing Victoria’s Secret push up bras, you’re definitely a freshman.

I truly hope this helps at least one human on this campus. If you own any of articles above, there’s no need to freak. You might be a freshman but at least you don’t have herpes… yet.