How To Spot An Apple Picker (In A Heartbeat)
The autumn leaves change, scents of cinnamon fill the air, and fraps become pumpkin spice lattes. Among the eclectic ecosystem that is the Syracuse University student body, certain species – such as the Imhah Fitalian – hibernate through the winter, or at least until they can get a spray tan and convince potential mates that they’re “just always naturally tan.” So, what does this all mean for the orange ecosystem? Well, the emergence of the Apple Picker is upon us.
Typically awoken when September ends, such a dynamic change has its affects on other campus primates. This includes abnormal stampedes of plaid clad teenagers rolling with their homies through your Insta feed. Soon, buses chock full o’ SU students will embark on the great migration to the most quintessential fall photo shoot destination: Beak & Skiff Apple Orchards.
The Apple Picker is a gentle, but determined, lumbersexual creature, willing to roll around in haystacks or climb a precariously flimsy tree if it means getting crazy likes on the perfect prof pic. Apple Pickers travel in packs, only separating from the tribe for golden selfie opportunities. Crisp collars, blue jeans, strategically rolled socks to stick out of slightly scuffed ankle boots just so—is it a defense mechanism? No, it is merely a uniform, a preppy rite of passage to be socially accepted as a true Apple Picker.
Should an Apple Picker approach you, do not make loud noises or play Omi’s Cheerleader, as they may get excited and run into a nearby corn maze, never to be found again. In order to avoid an A.P.E., (Apple Picker Encounter) do not go anywhere near a pumpkin patch or wander aimlessly into a group photo. This could be disastrous for all parties involved.
Here is a breakdown of the markings of a genuine Apple Picker, for your protection.
- Plaid Button Down: The laid back style and classic pattern pay tribute to all Apple Pickers’ deity, Paul Bunyan. Nothing says, “I enjoy picking my own fruit,” like a casual cowboy.
- Puffy Vest: Not only is this a fantastic flotation device for those in danger of drowning in apple cider, but it clearly displays the harsh weather conditions your average Apple Picker faces... nothing says warm like an armless jacket.
- Blue Jeans: Purposely distressed to exhibit ruggedness and raucous lifestyle, this Apple Picker staple is mandatory to be a part of the clan. Recent classes of Apple Pickers have introduced black leggings into the mix but are not regarded with as much respect as their denim superiors.
- Impractical Boots: Would Lewis and Clark have made it across the American unknown without their suede and fur-trimmed, wooden-heeled boots? Oh, yeah, they did. Because no one on open soil actually wears these boots.
- The “Natural” Look: Apple Pickers strive to find the perfect beauty balance between runway ready and someone who just wrestled Bigfoot to establish dominance as King of the Forest. Tousled locks and “effortless” full-face makeup is expected, perhaps with an added dirt smudge for authenticity.
Above all else, remember this. If you see a small pack of Apple Pickers entangled with branches, pouting and contorting their bodies, do not cross their path. They most likely have a 200+ likes-level Instaworthy pic in the works and nothing endangers the Apple Picker like ruining their ~*aesthetic*~.