How To Turn Someone Off When They Catch The Feels
We’ve all been there. Sometimes it happens when you’re at a party rip-roaringly drunk and the guy you gave your number to won’t stop texting you the next day. Or, it’s that girl who sits across from you in class and won’t stop staring at you with emoji heart eyes.
OR you’re hooking up with your FWB and then all of a sudden they give you that look—that look that says, “I want to be more than just inside of you…I want to be inside your heart.” Naturally, you want to get the fuck away from that shit as quickly as possible. Here are some different approaches to cock blocking your persistent suitors.
1. Tell Them They Remind You of Your Family
“God, you just remind me so much of my sister” doesn’t really have a sexual tone to it—hopefully. Jake, 21, said “One time I told this girl that she reminded me of my mom and that’s all I’d see when I looked at her. That nipped that in the bud real quick.”
2. Block His/Her Number
Kate, 19, says “When a guy won’t stop texting me, I just block their number from my phone and all social media. I’m too scared to confront them, so I find that running away does the job.” This is a typical approach that people tend to use, and it’s not because all of you are pussies. (Maybe.) As long as you don’t mind avoiding the person on campus, it’s a good way to send a message.
3. Be Straight Up
Haley, 22, says “The best way to reject someone is to just be straight up with them. If you’re honest and tell them you’re not into them and you don’t plan on ever being into them, they’ll stop harassing you”. Somewhere your mom is smiling happily above you—sometimes the best approach really is honesty.
4. Act Disgusting
This one is a personal favorite. Ryan, 22, says, “I find that making disgusting noises helps a lot, like gagging uncontrollably out of the blue, loudly and with conviction.” Many people feel this is their golden ticket to the desirable safe zone. From farting and burping loudly with someone, to engulfing their mouth in a horrendous kiss, being gross works.
5. Lost in Translation
“Whenever a girl approaches me who I’m not the least bit interested in, I just pretend that I don’t speak English,” says Dallas, 20. If you know a foreign language, it might even help to start saying nonsensical phrases in it. This same notion of a different language or culture also applies to religion. Mark, 21, says, “I tell them that my religion doesn’t allow it. I don’t even conform to any major religions but they don’t know that.”
6. Significant Other Switch-Up
Katie, 20, tells us, “When some guy won’t stop texting me, I just tell him I have a boyfriend and that I’m in a committed relationship.” Some girls like Kira, 22, pull the lesbian card. “I just tell them I’m into girls and am not at all sexually attracted to men. It does the trick.”
7. Tear Down Their Dreams
Tim, 22, says, “I find that if you take what someone is passionate about and shit all over it, it usually works. I once lied and told this super liberal feminist that I was voting for Trump, and she never texted me again”. That’s the spirit, Tim. Shit on what they love, and they’ll stop loving you.
8. Go Picture Crazy
“Whenever a guy won’t stop sending me texts, I just send him different pictures of Steve Buscemi,” says Addie, 20. This also works in the case of someone asking for nudes and can be anything you want—from Kyle Massey from Corey in the House, to Nicholas Cage, to Teddy Roosevelt, they’re all sexually confusing and should stop a boner in its tracks.
9. Juno That Shit
Kayla, 22, says, “Whenever a guy won’t stop hounding me, I tell him that I’m actually pregnant and am having a baby in 5 months.” There’s nothing that men fear more than commitment and raising a child, so this one is sure to cut the cord.
James, 20, says “I usually mention something about having gonorrhea or chlamydia and that stops them in their tracks.” This approach should almost always work.
Annie, 21, tells us, “I once asked a guy if I could peg him in the ass with a dildo and I’ve never seen someone run faster.” Weird fetishes are a surefire way to send your admirer running for the hills. From asking if you can pee on them, to sticking things inside them, you’re guaranteed to make them reconsider. Unless, and it’s possible, you got yourself a freak.
12. Say I Love You
Sometimes, you have to do the exact opposite of what you want to and just go overboard with emotions. Gary, 21, says, “Telling a girl who just started texting me that I love her is usually a quick way to turn them off and get them to stop speaking to you forever.” He has a point—no one, not even someone with a crush, wants to hear someone spill their heart out when they’ve just met.
As you can see, there is a never-ending list of ways to kill boners and take names. In fact, it’s usually much easier to turn someone off than on, and that’s why you’re in luck. Hopefully you can use some of these tips the next time someone catches the feels and you want no part of it. Go forth, my children. Turn up, and turn off.