Jerk's Valentine's Day Survival Guide
Picture this: it's Valentine's Day and for once you have a date that's not named red wine or Netflix. It’s a rare occasion – you finally don’t have to spend the day commenting the heart eyes emoji on picture after picture of cute couples smiling adoringly at each other. Yet alas, with great fortune comes great responsibility. It’s the most romantic day of the year and the stakes are incredibly high. You have been wearing the same pair of grey sweatpants every Saturday for the past six weeks. You have one job: to make it through this date without making a complete ass of yourself. But are you up for it? Let us give you some pointers…
- For the love of God, don’t buy your date Valentine’s Day chocolate. You know the kind -- the ones in the big red boxes that you can find at your local Walgreens next to the shampoo and toilet paper. While it may seem cute at first, lemme break something to you: those are some of the nastiest candies on the face of the Earth. If you want to make a gesture, just cut your losses and go for the family-sized bag of Hot Cheetos and a pint of Ben-and-Jerry's each, because we’d all be better off wasting calories on that.
- If you’re spending more than $30 on lingerie, you’ve been scammed and it’s time to re-evaluate. We know, we know, this is ~the underwear~ that will turn you into the goddess you always knew you were under those grey sweatpants, but guess what? It’s also itchy and uncomfortable and impractical – how in the HELL do you get it on anyway? Try something that doesn’t make you want to tear it off yourself after fifteen minutes, and we promise you’ll be in a much better mood the rest of the night.
- Whoever decided that red and pink was an acceptable color combo needs to take a few dozen-art classes. We get it, you hardly ever get to celebrate this day, but surely there are more tasteful ways to do it than with tacky colors and bad fashion. If you really want show your spirit, pick one OR the other, but please do not force your bad taste on the rest of us.
- Give up on wearing cute heels to wherever you’re headed. You live in Syracuse – any dreams you had of looking cute in the snow should have been abandoned a long, long time ago. Sure, the adorable Valentine’s day outfits on Instagram are tempting, but in the long run, the only thing heels and other impractical-for-winter clothing will get you is a sore body from eating shit in the snow. And trust us, that’s not a good look.
- Avoid Nicholas Sparks at all costs. For a lot of us, this day is a tough one to get through, and sappy stories about perfect romances and unrequited love only ever end with a bottle of wine, hours of tears, and a bad hangover the next morning. Rent a rom-com and try laughing at love instead of pining for it, or your system just may go into romance-overload and you’ll show up to your date with tears in your eyes and mascara running down your cheeks. We also suggest staying away from Titanic, Dirty Dancing, Sleepless in Seattle… you get the gist.
- Try not to be too cynical. Even if you’ve been insisting that love is a lie for the past seven Valentine’s Days (and every other day), it’s time to pull yourself together and try being optimistic for once. Don’t talk about how dirty your ex did you, or how 50% of couples end in divorce, and try focusing instead on the one or two couples that genuinely don’t make you want to throw up. Hey, who knows? Get this date right and someday that could be you!
No matter how you’re spending your Valentine’s Day, with friends or with partners, in bed or out and about, excited or fed-up, think of it as a day to celebrate. You may go on a great date or you may prefer to stay happily alone, but no matter what happens, all chocolate is 50% off the next day (and not just the shitty kind...)