Keeping Your Horniness at Bay


Photo by Chaz Delgado We’ve all been there. When you get that itch you can’t quite scratch and you just feel like tearing all of your clothes off and humping the first thing in sight like an excited Chihuahua.

Being horny makes people act crazy—in fact you can almost always tell if someone hasn’t gotten laid in a while. You don’t need to be holding a huge-ass sign over your head or exclaim from the top of a roof how horny you are. Trust me, it’s more obvious than you think:

  • You choose the elliptical machine right in front of the sweaty, muscular gym-goers and don’t break eye contact with them the entire time.
  • You find yourself snapping at people even when they’ve done nothing wrong.
  • You do a full body shave in the shower every day just in case you might get some action.
  • You start watching movies only for the sex scenes.
  • You start making incoherent grumbling noises when you see a hot person either in person or online.
  • You find yourself resorting to the vacuous black hole that is Tinder in the hopes of maybe getting laid.

Clearly, being horny is hard (pun intended). That’s why we’ve gotten the scoop on what people do to alleviate their horniness in ways that aren’t sex. Yes people—it is possible.

  1. Exercise - and not just so you can ogle at all the hot people around you working out. Exercise releases those same endorphins that you get from sex, so hey, maybe you’re not getting laid, but now you have a hot bod and feel amazing.
  2. Get in a routine. When you’re constantly busy, you don’t have time to think about how god-forsakenly horny you are. Yes, now your free time is less open, but your sexual organs will thank you.
  3. Get your period (shoutout to girls’ friend mother nature). Yup, if you’re a girl, just getting your period ensures that you’ll be fine. Except for the days leading up to it, when you’re bleeding out of your orifices, you don’t want anything entering you, and that’s a fact.
  4. Try an anti-aphrodisiac. Just as there are foods that make your sex drive better, there are ones that make it almost non-existent. Some of these anti-aphrodisiacs (or “sex killers” as I’ve dubbed them) are beans, microwave popcorn, alcohol, broccoli, asparagus, dairy, red meat, onions and garlic. Beans make you gassy and bloated, while the inner lining of microwaveable popcorn bags have been shown to lower sex drive and sperm count for men. You will never look at microwave popcorn the same.
  5. Alcohol, broccoli, dairy, red meat, onions, and garlic all can all affect the natural PH balance of your genitals for up to two or three days after ingestion, making your privates release odors that will instantly murder your libido. You’re welcome.


If there’s anything I know about, it’s being incredibly horny and not getting laid when I want to get laid. So, these tips will insure that you fight off the horniness until you can finally get laid.