bird screwing a bee illustration

One of my friends showed me a video of a horse fucking a guy, and it strangely turned me on. Please tell me this doesn’t mean I’m into beastiality.

Ah, the classic case of the “beastiasexual.” Sexual orientation discussions focus so much on human relations that we forget "beastiasexuality’s" standing as a legitimate sexual identity. It’s probably a result of the massive influence that "beastiaphobes" have on our society, pushing for legislation prohibiting mature, loving, and consensual human-animal relationships.

If cuddling with your bunny gives you an unusually warm and fuzzy feeling, the time has come to expand your horizons. Check out the local animal hot spots — parks, pet shops, fire hydrants. But make sure to practice your mating calls in advance. Using a Scottish Terrier bark to hit on a German Sheperd is like yelling "Damn, bitch you fine as hell!" to a Danish princess. But for best results and guaranteed consent, stand in the forest and wait for them to come to you.

If a few hours of waiting proves fruitless, you ought to return to civilization and take an easier approach. Look for a local “Furries” chapter — groups of people who have sex in animal costumes. If your city isn’t hip enough to house such a group, buy a squirrel costume and find someone who loves you enough to wear it.

What can I do to last longer? I’ve tried going slower in sex, but no matter what, I’m gone in fifteen minutes. Does the two-hour sex session really exist?

It does, and it’s awesome. Nothing beats a two-hour fuck fest. Except maybe a three-hour fuck fest. I sincerely hope you’re my last fling seeking help because that bitch came in a matter of minutes.

Practice masturbating for better stamina. You’ll find it a lot easier to go at a slow pace without the pressure of a partner. Rub that thing as hard as you can until it starts feeling incredible. Then stop everything. Most men experience about a 15 to 30 second period of extreme pleasure before ejaculation. You should aim to hit this period as many times as you can before busting.

Learn your own levels of intensity. Level one would be that tingly feeling you get when Stacy’s mom walks by. Level 10 is what it feels like when you’re having incredible detached sex with Stacy and her mom…in your mom’s bed.

And if all else fails, when you feel that moment coming, think of Liza Minnelli. Unless you’re a tranny, in which case you should think of jeans and work boots.

Send your sexual conundrums to Illustration by Monica DePalmer

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