Conservative is the New Liberal

It's time to convert

By Kevin Eggleston

funny donkey dressed as an elephant

You may or may not know me as a former op-ed writer of The Daily Orange, hopelessly smitten with those Clinton charms, and vomiting Pinko nonsense like Lenin with a stomach bug. Please, disregard that unfortunate period of my life. My journalistic ego thrives on making strange noises that counter the mumbles of the mob, and at that time, the “Bellum Americana Age of Bush,” my feeble cries for peace, civil rights, and intelligent leadership was — dare I say — hip. Now, it reeks of conformity.

Yes, I advocated for Obama and his charmer of a sidekick the whole way through. But, now that we installed him in office, he’s doing — or trying to do — all the things he promised (health care, reducing carbon emissions, ridding the world of nuclear weapons, and other ridiculous concerns). And, God damn him, he doesn’t even have the decency to perform the Nixonian shenanigans or Clintonian distractions that made observing previous administrations so much fun. He has to be “no drama Obama”— always calm, always smiling, always in control, and so fucking reassuring.

Conservative is the new Liberal, and we must bring Obama down. We must beat him to his knees and make him confess his tantalizing secrets. Mister goody-two-shoes convinced most of my peers to support him, but, just as in heaven (where all the interesting people are missing), the throng of Obama worshippers is full of duds. Well, I disown them.

And here’s why: Conservatives still decide. Decisive and confident Sarah Palin, quite evidently, enjoyed a much better time than that hesitant Obama. It took Palin two minutes to decide to quit the governorship, while it seems to be taking the president two millennia to decide how to quit Afghanistan.

Conservatives are also sexier. On the Red side we have Megan McCain and Levi Johnston, and of course there’s Ms. Wasilla herself. I can’t forget Mitt Romney’s chiseled, Mormon deltoids. Don’t ask me how I know. Yes, the president is a good-looking guy. But only a Conservative can pull off being sexy.

conservative republican elephant illustrationBeing a Conservative, like being a five-year-old, gets one’s attention in social settings. Again, you’ve all gone Socialist. So, if at a cocktail party, I happen to mention that I think we should pay more attention to climate change and attempt diplomacy with Iran, y’all will just nod in agreement and go back to talking about the latest Auto-Tune news. All I wanted was to rile things up. Now, to be heard one must throw tea parties and invite fellow tea-baggers to do tea party things, like march on the National Mall. The march, in case you weren’t aware, opened the battle of the war on the American taxpayer, which we won, according to the “fair and balanced” umpire Fox News.

And war! Even if Nobel-for-nothing Obama unwisely winds down the war in Afghanistan, we Conservatives will still be able to kill every single deficit-raising monstrosity the Demrats propose in Congress. Yes — blood! It is so much more fun over here in Conservative City.

I love being a Conservative. I feel like Spartacus, taking down a taxpayer-enslaving empire a bit too big for its britches. In fact, I am Spartacus. But let’s stop there — I do not want any followers standing up and rebelling, you media pressure succumbing herd of fools. I’m the cool Conservative. You stay over there, in your Liberal la-la land, and let me make fun of you because I am hip. I am different. I am out of power and fighting like hell to get it back. I am a Conservative, the new Liberal.

Illustration by Elizabeth Gross