Sex Advice from Carli Cooper

Dear Carli,

I woke up Sunday morning with two huge hickies. Should I wrap my neck up or flaunt ‘em?

Dear Bruised and Confused,

There’s something sexy about an amorous kiss on the neck. It can set the mood, distract the guy with a vigorous tongue, and give us something else to do while unbuttoning our partner's pants. When that arousing sensation becomes a potential neck injury, however, things get ugly.

While hickies might’ve looked cool in the seventh grade, today they’re as classy as a Von Dutch trucker hat. Some consider the hickey a badge of honor, a sign that your night was far from boring. But this just reminds me of a quote from author Neil Strauss: “A rich man doesn’t have to tell you he’s rich.” Meaning, if you really have game, you needn’t show it off with love bites. Hickey flaunting also invites questions. Unless you feel like regaling an audience with a full-blown account of the sexcapades that culminated in damaged blood vessels, invest in green tinted concealer or a turtleneck.

My go-to when warding off a Bela Lugosi-wannabe is usually a casual joke. Something subtle and cute, like “Don't leave marks, or my other boyfriend will kick your ass,” really breaks the ice. Or you could just pry this leech off of your esophagus and find somebody without a suction fetish.

Dear Carli,

I want my boy’s ex-girlfriend. She’s smokin’ hot, and I know we’d be good together. Do I go for it?

Dear Sloppy Seconds Chaser,

Unless you foresee a Nicholas-Sparks-I’d-marry-her-even-if-she-were-in-a-wheelchair- type of relationship, taking this girl to pleasure town is probably a bad move. I find keeping tabs on every guy my friends have hooked up with incredibly limiting and at times, exasperating. Yet, I still try to respect the unspoken rule of “chicks before dicks.” Exceptions do exist though, so let's examine your situation.

First, consider the nature of their split. If he forgot an anniversary and they're “taking a break,” shooting her a casual “U single now?” text is pretty uncool. But if they ended it after she discovered he was sleeping with two of her sorority sisters-—swoop in guilt-free.

Next, consider how close you are to this friend. You’ve been hanging out ever since your awkward dorm days in Booth? Let the girl go. He’s some guy you met once or twice at a party who's in your phone as “Joh5ny?” Consider yourself clear.

Generally speaking, college is an excellent place for bad decisions, but nine times out of ten, it’s better to maintain the bro code. Closing advice: head over to Chuck's and chances are, you'll be chasing your next soul mate by the third drink.