Sex Tales From the Crypt

More terrifying than R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series, more menacing than the ghoul that haunts Bird Library... be prepared for the scare of your life with these stories of tormenting, grueling, painstakingly embarrassing sex. They’ll have all the elements of scare that your night(s) should have this Halloweekend.

Surprise: I was living the quintessential high school experience—having sex in a car with my boyfriend. After we were done he threw the condom out the window when two cops pulled up behind his car. One of the cops threatened to give us a $300 dollar littering fine and made my boyfriend pick up the used condom.

Eeriness: I spent the night at my boyfriend's house when his parents were away for an anniversary vacation. When his parents came home they found the family dog carrying a used condom in his mouth. The dog had dug it up from the trash.

Confusion: I hooked up with this guy after a party. He fell asleep while I was giving him a blowjob. I guess either he was really drunk or my mouth game is not as strong as I thought.

Horror: I got my period while I was getting eaten out. He and I only noticed after he was done… It was a bloody mess, that’s for sure.

Nightmares: Freshman year, I woke up in the middle of the night from the sounds of my roommate and his girlfriend loudly going at it. I woke up the next morning to hear them going in for round #2. We lived in an open double..

Discomfort: Bled for four weeks because the guy's dick was so big... The real horror story, though, was when I had to call health services and tell them I was concerned about my "vaginal bleeding." Death by dick is REAL, people.

Shock: When I studied abroad, there weren’t any places to hook up unless you wanted to do it in public, because we lived with host families. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so we had sex in the basement of the school’s library. We were caught in the act by the assistant librarian.

Jerk apologizes for the nightmares you’ll most definitely be having tonight. Stay spooky and may your sex life be even spookier.