Sooo, Trump is President….Now What?
Reading the headline on November 9th, 2016 was like waking up on a Sunday morning after telling yourself you wouldn’t drink too much the night before because you were prepared to have a productive day. It was like you trying to sit up in bed after your reasonable alarm going off when your aching, recovering body had other plans for you. Before emerging out of the comfort and safety of your own bed, you lay there evaluating your actions and decisions from the previous night, with uncertainty regarding your future.
While there was no national holiday, natural disaster, or active threat to the public’s safety, America seems to have taken some time to itself to reflect. New York City’s constant hustle and bustle was seemingly lulled and muted on the Wednesday after Election Day. Similarly, the tone on campus was inexplicably different, for lack of a better word. Typically, not much of the outside world penetrates the bubble which surrounds the 13210. However, this election had more of a presence on campus than Pete Sala’s promenade. The tone was just as somber as when we lost to North Carolina in the Final Four.
Nearly every professor surely began class with a five to forty-five minute rant about their frustration with the political system, blaming the government for their misfortunes, and sharing way too much information about their personal lives. Low salary, blah blah blah, Trump, blah blah blah, taxes, blah blah blah, child support, you get it. Some professors even canceled class all together. The worst part was that Facebook didn’t even provide the entertainment or the mindless string of distractions that usually gets us through those god-awful long lectures because everyone sounded off on the subject with similar words, memes, articles, etc. God bless your soul (and eyes) if you should see one more extensively long, politically inaccurate, overly opinionated post.
Regardless of your opinions and feelings on the matter of Trump’s presidency, he’s the president now. I know this is a confusing time for most on what it means and where to go from here, but hopefully this can shed some light on the situation for you.
Students planning to study abroad next semester should start working on a British, Irish, or Australian accent. Preparation to study abroad is now more than just filling out excessive forms and systematically [over]packing your duffels in an attempt to avoid the airline’s checked baggage fees. Now prepare to create a fake alias for when people ask where you’re from. It’s probably better than telling people you’re from America.
Congress now charges $15/hour (the going rate for babysitters these days)
Although I’m not a member of the elite squad known as the United States Congress, I think I get the way it works. The way I understand it, basically Congress babysits Trump, restricting him from passing outrageous laws and fucking shit up too much. It’s like when you babysit the kids down the street, and they beg to stay up past their bedtime. You personally don’t mind but you’re pretty sure the parents have cameras everywhere, including the snack cabinet, but you want to get asked to babysit again and you know it’s not a good idea so you tell them no. But to mollify the likelihood of a tantrum, you compromise with two bedtime stories or something. Similarly, when Trump wants do something crazy like stay up past his bed time or, like, reinstate Jim Crow laws, Congress will be like "lol no go home Trump you’re drunk."
Condom sales drastically increase
After researching what Trump’s deal is with nasty women’s healthcare, I have successfully confused myself on the issue, and honestly every other one of Trump’s policies because articles are so damn long and use so many big words. I literally just wanted a simple answer to “are women fucked after they fuck?” But I’ve surmised that nobody really knows for sure. Birth control and IUD’s are most likely going to be more of a pain in the ass to get, not to mention how much more expensive they’re going to be. He wants to repeal the Affordable Care Act, meaning health insurance will no longer provide coverage for all FDA-approved birth control methods with no copayment or coinsurance when provided in-network. He also wants to abolish abortions, so not only are we restricted in preventing unwanted pregnancy, we can’t even stop it if it does happen. To quote a wise man named Coach Karr in the theatrical art that is Mean Girls, “Everybody grab some rubbers.”
Media reliability is brought into question
I trusted you SNL. Kate McKinnon, you were my girl. Alec Baldwin, you were so spot on. But where did it all go wrong? Now we’re in a fight, because I feel almost as deceived by you as I felt by the tooth fairy when I discovered my mother replacing my first lost tooth under my pillow with a five-dollar bill. But I’ll accept your apology in the form of a job offer.
Girls start to tie down spring frat formal dates to Canada, like, now.
*Brings a moving van to the weekend trip*
Mexico spring break
We may not be welcomed with open arms into our Puerto Vallarta villas, Cancun hotel rooms, or Cabo San Lucas beach destinations, but at least it won’t be as overpriced as it was when we first signed up. The peso’s value dropped to its lowest levels in history, but America feels you, peso, as our levels of decency have similarly plummeted. Personally I will never be able to look at a wall the same ever again.
Only 48 months until the 2020 election, but who’s counting?