Strap-ons

The lowdown on the get down with Sandy Johnson

By Sandy Johnson

I came out as a lesbian before I'd ever been with a guy. I recently started seeing a gorgeous girl who used to date guys and just came out. We have a fantastic sexual connection, except for one thing: She wants me to wear a strap-on. The thought disgusts me, plus, I'm getting paranoid that she's just flirting with being gay. Why else would she put a penis (even a plastic one) between us?

First off, let me say that you can rarely judge a person's sexual orientation based on their choice in sex toys. I've known plenty of lesbians--even those who've never even seen a penis in person--who enjoy strap-ons. Some couples alternate between who wears it and who takes it, others don't. The most important thing is that they settle on an arrangement that works for them. Consider posting the strap-on schedule in the bathroom as a reminder of who will be taking and receiving that night. Joking, but not really.

You say you're worried that your lover's lady lust may be a passing trend, but it sounds to me like she's solid about what she wants. If she desired a man's penis to play with, then a man's penis she would seek. But instead, she's with you, regardless of whether or not she's sworn off men for good. I wouldn't worry so much about the labels if I were you; wearing a strap-on doesn' have to "mean" anything.

I've always felt that I'm pretty average sexually, but lately, I've fantasized about being dominated by a man--rope, blindfold, rough sex, the works. I feel so guilty because I know rape and sexual assault of any kind are revolting. I don't want to tell my boyfriend because I don't want him to lose respect for me, but I just can't seem to lose the urge. What should I do?

Ah, the rape fantasy. Perhaps its stigma comes from the mistaken idea that anyone who experiences it literally wants to be raped, and that if attacked she'd focus more on getting off than getting away. This is crap. Saying a woman who has a rape fantasy "wants"or "asks for" rape is like saying a guy who has a schoolgirl fantasy is a pedophile: It's simply too broad a sweep. The whole point of fantasy (and, subsequently, of role-play) is that it isn't real. It's fantasy.

Acting out your desires might lower its intensity. Trying not to think about something usually thrusts it right to the forefront of your brain, and you could battle yourself for eternity. Ask him to hold your hands for a moment while you're doing the deed to see if incorporating only part of the fantasy satisfies you. Of course, you should only do it if you feel comfortable with your guy and if you truly love and trust him. If he's a keeper, he won't lose respect for you because of one sexual fantasy.