The 5 Stages of Banging Your TA


Wednesday_Sexplained Hooking up with your TA is probably on your college bucket list, as it should be. You had a teacher in high school that you totally wanted to bone, but the age gap was way too wide, and he was unfortunately married with two kidsunfortunately. So, in college, this is your time. Now here's someone who is your academic superior, but closer to you in age: your TA.

But, sadly, it’s not all sunshine and perfect grades. Here are the five stages of lovin’ on your TA.

Stage 1: The Meeting You’ve told yourself that in order to get laid consistently, it’s important that you’re easy and open to new experiences. It’s Thursday, your favorite night to go out, and you’ve successfully made it into the pants of some miscellaneous person you bonded with over shots at Chuck's. Rolling off of this foreign bed and crashing to the floor in a haze, you look at the clock and remember you have class in 40 minutes. It’s now that he mentions that he also has class… in the same building, same room. It’s your TA ­— cue dramatic music.

Stage 2: Realization Of course this isn’t just any class, this is CRS, a class on interpersonal communication that preaches how to achieve healthy, safe relationships (spoiler alert: your situation is not exactly what the professors advise). After laughing at the ridiculousness of your life until you have a well-sculpted six pack, you make your way to class with the partner, and you think everyone knows what you two were up to — and yes, they probably do. You sit in his eye line, and of course the topic is about falling in love and the dangers of hookups and forming actual relationships, so you just keep giggling because there is nothing else to do except take notes. But why? You’re banging the TA.

Stage 3: Continuation After allowing this whole thing to actually sink in, it gets pretty awesome. Telling people you’re “going to office hours” means you’re going to bang for a half-hour, and leverage becomes commonplace: “You could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam…” It’s pretty great, if you’re into that kind of thing. Whether they’re actually in charge of your grades or not, you’re going to do better on the next exam because you can take the Billy Madison approach to studying, stripping for the right answers. Hey, positive incentives work.

Stage 4: Weirdness You thought this was going to be four-points and foreplay the whole time? Nope, it gets weird. One of you mentions a concept from class and things get uncomfortable. It actually occurs to you that this is your TA. It’s starting to seem a lot like banging your boss, except instead of monetary promotion, you just get a few extra points on your problem set. Like it or not, they’re one step above you once you walk in that lecture hall, and in the end, that sucks.

Stage 5: Ending It Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was a great run, definitely an experience for bragging, and something to cross off the bucket list, but you have bigger things to start doing. So you call it quits over a high five and exchange delightful pleasantries every Friday morning at 8 a.m. while keeping an eye out and making sure he’s not banging some other student. That shit is unacceptable.

So if you’re wondering what it’s like to get it on with a professor — that’s messed up, what is wrong with you? But seriously, take it from me...hooking up with your TA is not all it’s cracked up to be. Stick with people at your own level.

Just remember, no one wants to end up as that person who married their TA. Gross.